Monday, 25 January 2016

Demonblog 2016 - your full voting guide

Our balls have dropped, and we're ready to go for Australia's #1 bracket based sporting competition.

Read the Demonbracket 2016 preview.

Competition rules
  • The voting criteria for each match-up is your personal business. It need not having anything to do with football if you don't want it to, but if you do then good luck to you. We won't ask questions, and nor should anyone else
    • If anybody vote shames call them a $cully and go about your business however you like
  • Voting will be conducted between 7am and 7pm AEDST unless otherwise noted
  • You must cast a valid vote for every match that day or none of your votes on that day's matches will count (I'll try and remind you where possible by there are no guarantees).
  • You must pick a winner in every match up. No half votes, no "I can't split them". Yes you can, and you must.
  • Non-MFC fans are more than welcome to vote as long as you follow all other rules
  • Players are more than welcome to use social media, real media or paid advertising to promote themselves. Outright bribery, however, is not permitted.
  • Players may vote for themselves as long as they also vote in the other matchups of the day as per the above rules
  • In the event of a tie both players will advance to the next round, except in the case of the Grand Final where a replay will be held the following day.
  • If a match features three or more players and two or more tie for the most votes they will advance with all other players eliminated.
  • We reserve the right to refuse an excessive number of multiple votes from the same person using multiple accounts
  • Voting will once again be conducted in an open format (Twitter, BigFooty. and Facebook) to keep it interesting but if you're really keen on your privacy or have an intense hatred of social media you can email me daily via demonblogger AT
  • The decision of the Demonbracket Organising Committee is final. Unless somebody takes us to the Court of Arbitration for Sport in Lucerne.
  • Speaking of the Court of Arbitration we're not a signatory to WADA, so Jake Melksham remains eligible to compete in the bracket despite being banned for a year.
The Draw

Preliminary Round

Monday 1 February

Christian Petracca d. Clayton Oliver 67-10 
Jayden Hunt d. Liam Hulett 52-25 
Tomas Bugg d. Jay Kennedy-Harris 43-34
Viv Michie d. Jake Melksham 53-18
Sam Weideman d. Josh Wagner 60-11
Max King d. Heritier Lumumba 38-33

Tuesday 2 February

James Harmes d. Ben Newton 70-9
Angus Brayshaw d. Billy Stretch 69-10
Oscar McDonald d. Joel Smith 68-11
Ben Kennedy d. Mitch King 54-23 
Aaron vandenBerg d. Mitch White 73-4
Christian Salem d. Alex Neal-Bullen d. Sam Frost 59-14-4

Round 1

Wednesday 3 February
1. Nathan Jones d. Matt Jones 86-2
Max King d. Dean Terlich 63-25
James Harmes d Tomas Bugg 64-24
8. Lynden Dunn d. Sam Weideman 70-18

Thursday 4 February
5. Jesse Hogan d. Chris Dawes 99-1 
Cameron Pedersen d. Jake Spencer 81-19 
Neville Jetta d. Aaron vandenBerg 65-35 
Max Gawn d. 6. Tom McDonald 63-37

Friday 5 February
3. Jack Viney d. Oscar McDonald 100-3
Jack Trengove d. Ben Kennedy 95-8 
Christian Salem d. Jack Grimes 79-24
Jack Watts d. 6. Colin Garland 53-50

Monday 8 February
Dom Tyson d. 7. Jeff Garlett 63-37  
Dean Kent d. Jayden Hunt 97-3 
Angus Brayshaw d. Christian Petracca 89-11 
2. Bernie Vince d. Viv Michie 97-3 

Round 2

Tuesday 9 February

1. Nathan Jones d. Max King 91-5
8. Lynden Dunn d. James Harmes 68-28
5. Jesse Hogan d. Cameron Pedersen 87-9
Max Gawn d. Neville Jetta 71-25

Wednesday 10 February

3. Jack Viney d. Jack Trengove 81-15

Christian Salem d. Jack Watts 60-36
Dom Tyson d. Dean Kent 49-47
2. Bernie Vince d. Angus Brayshaw 61-35

Quarter Finals

Thursday 11 February

1. Nathan Jones d. 8. Lynden Dunn 94-16

5. Jesse Hogan d. Max Gawn 61-49

Friday 12 February

3. Jack Viney d. Christian Salem 78-19

2. Bernie Vince d. Dom Tyson 80-17 

Semi Final

Monday 15 February

1. Nathan Jones vs 5. Jesse Hogan

3. Jack Viney vs 2. Bernie Vince


Tuesday 16 February

Jones/Hogan vs 

Sunday, 27 December 2015

Demonbracket 2016 preview

It's nearly that time of the year, where we gather to decide the fans' choice for the #1 Demon. If you're joining us for the first time you might want to run through the four previous competitions to get an idea of what's going on...

Honour Roll

2012 - James Frawley d. Nathan Jones
2013 - Tom McDonald d. Mitch Clark

2014 - Nathan Jones d. Jack Watts
2015 - Nathan Jones d. Dom Tyson

This year's tournament will kick-off with the Preliminary Round starting Monday 1 February, and playing through to the exciting conclusion on Tuesday 16 February where the latest name will be engraved on the Demonbracket trophy.

Nathan Jones has enjoyed the championship feeling for almost 24 months, but this year faces his stiffest competition yet. The draw will be revealed live in a glittering ceremony starting 9am on Monday 25 January for those of you who are still sober enough from the previous day to operate an internet connected device by that point.

For now, please welcome competitors from all over the globe.

  • The voting criteria for each match-up is your personal business. It need not having anything to do with football if you don't want it to, but if you do then good luck to you. We won't ask questions, and nor should anyone else
  • Voting will be conducted between 7am and 7pm AEDST unless otherwise noted
  • You must cast a valid vote for every match that day or none of your votes on that day's matches will count (I'll try and remind you where possible by there are no guarantees).
  • You must pick a winner in every match up. No half votes, no "I can't split them". Yes you can, and you must.
  • Non-MFC fans are more than welcome to vote as long as you follow all other rules
  • Players are more than welcome to use social media, real media or paid advertising to promote themselves. Outright bribery, however, is not permitted.
  • Players may vote for themselves as long as they also vote in the other matchups of the day as per the above rules
  • In the event of a tie both players will advance to the next round, except in the case of the Grand Final where a replay will be held the following day.
  • If a match features three or more players and two or more tie for the most votes they will advance with all other players eliminated.
  • We reserve the right to refuse an excessive number of multiple votes from the same person using multiple accounts
  • Voting will once again be conducted in an open format (Twitter, BigFooty. and Facebook) to keep it interesting but if you're really keen on your privacy or have an intense hatred of social media you can email me daily via demonblogger AT
  • The decision of the Demonbracket Organising Committee is final. Unless somebody takes us to the Court of Arbitration for Sport in Lucerne.
  • Speaking of the Court of Arbitration we're not a signatory to WADA, so Jake Melksham remains eligible to compete in the bracket despite being banned for a year.
The stars

Last year's champion is automatically #1 seed, followed by the top seven surviving finishers in the 2015 Best and Fairest.

1. Nathan Jones

2. Bernie Vince
3. Jack Viney
4. Tom McDonald
5. Jesse Hogan
6. Colin Garland
7. Jeff Garlett
8. Lynden Dunn

Non-seeded players with a bye to Round 1

The 12 byes into the first round are awarded based on the most games played by the remaining combatants.

9. Jack Watts

10. Jack Grimes
11. Jack Trengove
12. Neville Jetta
13. Matt Jones
14. Chris Dawes
15. Max Gawn
16. Dom Tyson
17. Jake Spencer
18. Dean Kent
19. Cameron Pedersen
20. Dean Terlich

Players entered in the Preliminary Round (11 regular matches and one triple threat)

21. Christian Salem
22. Jay Kennedy-Harris
23. Angus Brayshaw
24. Heritier Lumumba
25. Viv Michie
26. Aaron vandenBerg
27. Ben Newton
28. Billy Stretch
29. Alex Neal-Bullen
30. James Harmes
31. Sam Frost
32. Oscar McDonald
33. Mitch White
34. Jayden Hunt
35. Max King
36. Christian Petracca
37. Jake Melksham
38. Ben Kennedy
39. Tomas Bugg
40. Clayton Oliver
41. Sam Weideman
42. Mitch King
43. Liam Hulett
44. Josh Wagner
45. Joel Smith

The Draw

Preliminary Round

Monday 1 February (7am to 1pm)

[1] vs
[2] vs
[3] vs

Monday 1 February (1pm to 7pm)

[4] vs
[5] vs
[6] vs

Tuesday 2 February (7am to 1pm)

[7] vs
[8] vs
[9] vs

Tuesday 2 February (1pm to 7pm)

[10] vs
[11] vs
[12] vs - vs 

Round 1

Wednesday 3 February

1. Nathan Jones vs

vs 8. Lynden Dunn

Thursday 4 February

5. Jesse Hogan vs

vs 4. Tom McDonald

Friday 5 February

3. Jack Viney vs

vs 6. Colin Garland

Monday 8 February

7. Jeff Garlett vs

vs 2. Bernie Vince

Round 2

Tuesday 9 February



Wednesday 10 February



Quarter Finals

Thursday 11 February



Friday 12 February



Semi Final

Monday 15 February




Tuesday 16 February


Tuesday, 3 November 2015

Demonbracket Classic 2015

Welcome to the 2015 Demonbracket Classic, your off-season distraction from fawning over draft previews and pretending to be interested in other things. As usual the main event with the 2016 list will be played in February, but for the second year in a row we keep you warmed up with an alternative fiesta of democracy.

Last season we looked at the greatest players of the modern era. This time we look further adrift to the 65 senior players who have appeared in the fewest

Some were unlucky, some shouldn't have been there in the first place, one turned out to be a hardened criminal but they've all played at least one AFL game which is more than you can say for me. They were the adequate, the forgettable, the occasionally regrettable, caretaker players of the MFC.

Now we need to find out which of these often lost players that the people prefer best.

Tournament rules
  • Vote on whatever criteria you see fit. If there's ever been a time that career success need not be a key factor in your decision this has to be it
  • Voting is to be exclusively conducted via TypeForm
  • TypeForm is mostly anonymous but don't be a nonce and vote 5000 times in what is otherwise a novelty competition
  • In the event of a draw both players will advance, except for the final where there will be a replay 
  • A short summary of the individual careers will be provided on the voting page, but for more in-depth research the links below point to their Demonwiki page
  • The decision of the committee (e.g. me) is final
  • May the most fondly remembered man win

Qualifying Round - 3 November (Top two qualify)
Craig Smoker - 36 (QUALIFIED)
Troy Longmuir - 34 (QUALIFIED)
Andy Goodwin - 33 (DID NOT QUALIFY)

Round 1 - 9 to 12 November
Gary Moorcroft d. Shane Burgmann 69-47
Alex Georgiou d. Michael Pickering 91-25
Craig Ellis d. Troy Davis 89-27
Tom Couch d. Wayne Henwood 80-36
Brian Stynes d. Michael Evans 70-46
Nick Carter d. Matthew Mahoney 62-54
Kyle Cheney d. Todd McHardy 93-23
Shane Valenti d. Stephen Wearne 101-15

Jace Bode d. Wayne Lamb 55-43
Ross Funcke d. Brad Campbell 85-13
Mark Bradly d. Michael Clark 52-46
Grant Williams d. Andrew Ford 63-35
Clay Sampson d. Michael Polley 78-20
Hayden Lamaro d. Scott Simister 55-43
Daniel Hughes d. Mitch Clark 75-23
Luke Ottens d. David Grant 77-21

Troy Longmuir d. Tom McNamara 87-19
Adrian Campbell d. Tom Gillies 65-41
Aidan Riley d. Nick Pesch 86-20
Rod Owen d. Martin Heppell 89-17
Craig Turley d. John Meesen 78-28
Shannon Motlop d. Stuart Cameron 82-24
Nick Smith d. Isaac Weetra 61-45
Trent Ormond-Allen d. Cameron Hunter 59-47

David Rodan d. Fabian Francis 92-23
Dom Barry d. Phil Egan 69-46
James Cook d. Luke Norman 80-35
Leigh Newton d. Steven Pitt 79-36
Brent Heaver d. Donald Cockatoo-Collins 68-47
Craig Smoker d. Mitch Clisby 81-34
David Cockatoo-Collins d. Josh Tynan 66-49
Robert Hickmott d. Trevor Spencer 72-43

Round 2 - Friday 13 November and Monday 16 November
Alex Georgiou d. Gary Moorcroft 79-24
Craig Ellis d. Tom Couch 67-36
Brian Stynes d. Nick Carter 78-25
Shane Valenti d. Kyle Cheney 61-42
Ross Funcke d. Jace Bode 67-36
Mark Bradly d. Grant Williams 64-39
Clay Sampson d. Hayden Lamaro 66-37
Daniel Hughes d. Luke Ottens 70-33

Troy Longmuir d. Adrian Campbell 95-16
Rod Owen d. Aidan Riley 62-49
Craig Turley d. Shannon Motlop 78-33
Nick Smith d. Trent Ormond-Allen 66-45
David Rodan d. Dom Barry 86-25
Leigh Newton d. James Cook 59-52
Craig Smoker d. Brent Heaver 69-42
David Cockatoo-Collins d. Robert Hickmott 61-50

Round 3 - Tuesday 17 November

Alex Georgiou d. Craig Ellis 69-43
Shane Valenti d. Brian Stynes 72-40
Ross Funcke d. Mark Bradly 70-42
Daniel Hughes d. Clay Sampson 62-50
Troy Longmuir d. Rod Owen 68-44
Craig Turley d. Nick Smith 59-53
Leigh Newton d. David Rodan 62-50
Craig Smoker d. David Cockatoo-Collins 84-28

Quarter Finals - Wednesday 18 November

Alex Georgiou d. Shane Valenti 58-42
Ross Funcke d. Daniel Hughes 61-39
Craig Turley d. Troy Longmuir 55-45
Craig Smoker d. Leigh Newton 56-44

Semi Final - Thursday 19 November

Ross Funcke d. Alex Georgiou 61-52
Craig Smoker d. Craig Turley 61-52

- Friday 20 November
Craig Smoker - 63
Ross Funcke - 49

Sunday, 4 October 2015

Demonblog's 2015 End of Year 'Spectacular'

Yes! It's that time of year where we tie it all together. Where an entire year of self-indulgent posts are summarised in one last public wafflefest.

This was meant to be completed on the first weekend of the finals, then I got ill. Next I was going to be obscure and drop it one minute before the first bounce of the Grand Final but guess what - sick again. What is it with Hawthorn vs West Coast matches that gives me the immune system of an AIDS patient?

What an un-Australian scene it was to subvert Grand Final day traditions by going the vom on the morning of the game and not that night. Lucky it wasn't a draw yesterday or I'd have been dead by next weekend.

So, before they announce a rematch and I catch the deadly Ebola virus cross to football's night of nights (depending on your timezone). Guests from around the footballing world have congregated in the world famous Matthew Bate Ballroom on the scenic Falkland Islands to find out who has lifted several of Australian football's most prestigious awards. Hopefully by now you've forgotten the Round 23 post (or just didn't bother reading it to start with) so some of this may be a surprise to you.

Regrettably the Solid Brown Dancers have been rounded up by the Australian Border Force, so this year our entertainment will be provided by the 1989 Brisbane Bears cheersquad.

Now, if you got high and mighty about Kate Ceberano forgetting one word of the national anthem you'll definitely want to stand for this.

That's fantastic stuff Ricky, now let's meet tonight's host. Our first choice was Sam Blease, but then he threatened to sue us if we took the opportunity to accompany the post with pictures of him doing funny things, so we've had to crack in and have a crack elsewhere. Our talent spotters look long and hard for a suitable candidate, and we think we've found him. He's pale, he's depressed, he eats from cans, it's a man who has been in a bunker since late 2010.

"Good evening sports fans, and what a pleasure it is to be invited to rejoin society on this important evening.

As a Dees man from way back I was tremendously disappointed to have to go underground just as the Dees were threatening to explode like the civil unrest I was hoping to avoid.

The last time I saw natural daylight was just after the highly sought after Michael Voss - a future premiership coach you know - labelled the Demons the "next powerhouse" of the competition. It was a great time to be alive. What about young Scully and Trengove threatening to become superstars? And how funny was it when Carlton gave us pick 11 for Brock McLean and we turned it into two time Rising Star nominee Jordan Gysberts? How good was that.

So, which year did we win the flag? 2013 or 2014? How's the exciting Liam Jurrah doing these days? Who won a Brownlow first out of Moloney and Sylvia? And did either of them survive the after party? Why, somebody has helpfully provided a copy of History of the Melbourne Football Club 2011-2015. Talk amongst yourselves, I'm going to familiarise myself with what's happened over the last few years.

[Picks up some papers at the lectern and shuffles through them for a few minutes, with his face becoming increasingly longer]

"Oh, I see. Things didn't go exactly as expected. All the time when I was sustaining myself on recycled bodily emissions you were also eating shit sandwiches. Well bugger this, get on with the awards if you want I'm going back in the bunker. Call me when we finish in the top 12."

2015 Paul Prymke Plate for Pre-Season Performance

He came, he saw, Heretier managed to avoid using the MCG public address system to promote the works of Leon Trotsky. He also won an award at his first go, picking up 13 votes in a dominant practice match campaign.
The weight of winning the PPPfPSP seemed to hang over him during the season and he barely pocketed a vote once the real stuff started, but at least he's got the Prymke to comfort himself with while undergoing off-season ankle surgery.

13 - Heritier Lumumba
11 - Jeff Garlett
8 - Christian Salem
5 - Daniel Cross, Jesse Hogan
4 - Nathan Jones, Dom Tyson
3 - Aaron vandenBerg
2 - Sam Frost, Ben Newton,
1 - Dean Kent, Tom McDonald, Billy Stretch

Honour roll
2008 - Aaron Davey
2009 - Cameron Bruce
2010 - Brad Green
2011 - Colin Sylvia
2012 - Nathan Jones
2013 - Nathan Jones (2)
2014 - Jeremy Howe
2015 - Heritier Lumumba

2015 Jim Stynes Medal for Ruckman of the Year

The future has arrived, and it's in the shape of a giraffe-like man who takes screaming contested marks and collects a more than reasonable number of possessions every week.

In a year where a 10 hitout per-game minimum was required to be eligible for the award we were spared another farce like 2013 where the late Jack Fitzpatrick won a share of the award solely for his performances as a forward.

There were no questions this time, it was a well deserved victory. It took Maximum 10 weeks to break into the side, but when he did he hit a rich vein of form that lasted until the day we had Todd Goldstein run him into the ground because nobody was interested in giving Jamar one last game to say goodbye (not like he's a life member or anything you heartless bastards) or bringing back The Spencil for anything more than a token appearance.

Max looked like he was about to die for the last month of the season, before a late reward for effort came in the form of GWS playing without a ruckman in Round 23, letting him dominate with minimal effort. We remain cautious about his future after so many injuries, but I'm cautiously optimistic that as we improve the midfield he's going to become one of the best ruckmen in the competition and win this award several times.

Speaking of multiple winners of the Stynes, we say farewell to three time champion Jamar. Other than 2010 he never had a massive impact on the rest of the competition, but he battled his heart out for years through some ordinary times so he's alright in my book. But he's no Maximum Gawn.

11 - Max Gawn
1 - Mark Jamar
1 - Jake Spencer
0 - Max King
DQ - Chris Dawes, Jack Fitzpatrick, Cameron Pedersen

Previous winners
2005 - Jeff White
2006 - Jeff White (2)
2007 - Jeff White (3)
2008 - Paul Johnson
2009 - Mark Jamar ($3)
2010 - Mark Jamar (2) ($1.50 fav)
2011 - Stefan Martin ($30)
2012 - Stefan Martin (2) ($12)
2013 - Jack Fitzpatrick ($50) and Max Gawn ($45)
2014 - Mark Jamar (3) ($5)
2015 - Max Gawn (2) ($10)

Demonbracket IV

How could you not love this man? He's carried the club to such an unhealthy level over the last three years that he's had to have off-season neck surgery. That's commitment.

If Demonblog awards were anything but fictional Jones would have enough to fill his house with the things, and his second Demonbracket title (in his third final) was lifted at the end of a dominant campaign.

Toumpas and Jamar were dismissed comfortably in the first two rounds, before Gawn and Viney put up token resistance. He then took an eight vote win over future second year blues victim Dom Tyson in the final, and the title was his.

Can he do it again next year? With Hogan, Vince and Viney all coming into the picture plus social media superstars McDonald and Gawn threatening to sizzle things up at any minute it's going to be the most competitive field ever. Don't write him off yet, he's Demon royalty.

Honour Roll
2012 - James Frawley d. Nathan Jones
2013 - Tom McDonald d. Mitch Clark
2014 - Nathan Jones d. Jack Watts
2015 - Nathan Jones d. Dom Tyson

Demonbracket V
Exact dates for next year's competition will be determined when the 2016 fixture is released, but after the Best and Fairest we now know what order the players will be seeded in.

As is now tradition the previous year's winner goes in at #1 followed by the top seven surviving finishers in the Best and Fairest award. Which is great news for Hogan, whose low game tally would have otherwise seen him start in the preliminary round  - or more accurately, great news for the poor rookie he would have beaten the snot out of.

You'd have thought that not writing this post until now would provided some clarity on the status of Howe and Garland, but for now we'll have to assume they're still going to be there. If they both go that'll be a result for Angus Brayshaw who will also vault out of the qualifiers and into the first round proper. Elsewhere we'll have a better indicator of who will start in the first round and who'll have to battle through the qualifying rounds once the list is finalised.

Demonbracket V seeds
1 - Nathan Jones
2 - Bernie Vince
3 - Jack Viney
4 - Tom McDonald
5 - Jesse Hogan
6 - Colin Garland
7 - Jeff Garlett
8 - Jeremy Howe
1st emergency - Lynden Dunn
2nd emergency- Angus Brayshaw

Keep an eye on the usual channels for updates, but before that we've got another knockout tournament to get through...

Demonbracket Classic
As you would have no doubt read in any number of quality publications we're holding an off-season 64 player knockout competition between the players who debuted for the club after Round 1 1990 and played the least games. Dates for the tournament have now been confirmed.

Round 1 (32 games) - Monday 9, Tuesday 10, Wednesday 11 and Thursday 12 November
Round 2 (16 games) - Friday 13 November and Monday 16 November
Round 3 (8 games) - Tuesday 17 November
Quarter Finals - Wednesday 18 November
Semi Finals - Thursday 19 November
Final - Friday 20 November

Last year the people voting Robert Flower their favourite legend, this time we're asking for your favourite obscurity. There will be no seedings and no obvious favourites, so anything could happen. Voting will once again be conducted using Typeform, so don't be a wanker and try and vote 150 times because the Australian Electoral Commission will be observing closely.

The current field is as following. There's 65 players in contention - which will become 66 if Viv Michie happens gets the Tijuana. At the moment (until I realise there's somebody else I've left out) a playoff battle royale will be necessary to decide which two 17 gamers qualify for the main draw. If required this will take place alongside the Monday 9 November first round games.

Your contenders:

17 games (3) - Craig Smoker, Andy Goodwin, Troy Longmuir
16 games (3) - Luke Norman, Michael Evans, Craig Turley
15 games (4) - Mitch Clark, Craig Ellis, Michael Pickering, Shane Valenti
14 games (1) - Kyle Cheney
13 games (4) - Clay Sampson, Leigh Newton, Ross Funcke, Aidan Riley
12 games (1) - Brent Heaver
10 games (1) - Shannon Motlop
9 games (4) - Donald Cockatoo-Collins, Jace Bode, David Rodan, Rod Owen
8 games (3) - Trent Ormond-Allen, Andrew Ford, Mitch Clisby
7 games (2) - David Grant, Alex Georgiou
6 games (1) - Mathew Mahoney
5 games (5) - Stephen Pitt, Todd McHardy, Stuart Cameron, Dom Barry, Michael Polley
4 games (7) - Nick Smith, Luke Ottens, Mark Bradly, Nick Pesch, Grant Williams, John Meesen, Tom McNamara
3 games (7) - Nick Carter, Trevor Spencer, James Cook, Scott Simister, Gary Moorcroft, Tom Couch, Stephen Wearne
2 games (13) - Hayden Lamaro, Cameron Hunter, David Cockatoo-Collins, Isaac Weetra, Martin Heppell, Troy Davis, Brian Stynes, Tom Gillies, Robert Hickmott, Josh Tynan, Wayne Lamb, Daniel Hughes, Adrian Campbell
1 game (6) - Brad Campbell, Phil Egan, Michael Clark, Shane Burgmann, Fabian Francis, Wayne Henwood

Good luck to everyone except Fabian Francis who later turned out to be a bit of a shit bloke in real life.

2015 Year in review - part one

Round 1 vs Gold Coast
On the same day a group of 'concerned' citizens (e.g. furious racists) took over the streets of Melbourne, the football club of the same name finally managed to open the season with a victory again. Highlights included Jack Viney tagging Gary Ablett into the ground (aided by Ablett being about 8% fit, though he still nearly won them the game) and all the new players having great games at the same time.

Round 2 vs Greater Western Sydney
Division Required
Where we went to Canberra hoping to win two games in a row for the first time since Kevin Rudd's first reign as PM but played more like Tony Abbott. We started extremely well then fell into a sinkhole of death which caused me to become extremely morose about the future of the club and later that night throw an object across my kitchen in despair.

Round 3 vs Adelaide
Malaise Forever
The intense deepression lasted all week, leading to match 'review' preamble where I had a massive sook about having to find something better to do on weekends in winter when the club goes tits up. At least I can get another shiftwork job without missing a game - because technically I'll be missing every game.

We did what we do best and lost, but spirits were temporarily lifted by the unsociable tagging job Bernie Vince did on Patrick Dangerfield. It was a masterclass of scrag, and yes thanks for asking I do now feel bad about hanging shit on Phil Walsh for his reaction.

Round 4 vs Richmond
Strange Rumblings on Brunton Avenue
Where we engaged in memorial pomp and ceremony and our first Friday night game in years at the same time, then gave the Tigers a much needed kick up the arse and a reminder to start playing football. They later made the finals and should probably send us some sort of greeting card as well as taking another one of our unwanted players in after we've delisted them. I suggest Riley so they too can enjoy the feeling that you get from having a player with a similar name to the man who directed 2015's Analmals.

Jesse Hogan was quite good too.

Round 5 vs Fremantle
You can't play Richmond every week
And in our case that's a good thing, because it seems that they're actually quite good as long as they're not playing against us or in the Elimination Final.

The exciting feeling of being 2-2 after the first month of the season (god we are losers) was set to come to a screaming halt with a nightmare three weeks of games against premiership contenders and to nobody's surprise the unbeaten Dockers polished us off while remaining in first gear. It was sadly proven that we weren't going to win the flag.

Round 6 vs Sydney
Bloods d. Crips
In which another contender took us to the cleaners but were kind enough to give up in the second half so we could at least make it respectable. It was sadly proven that we weren't going to finish in the top four. And plenty of our fans booed Adam Goodes then claimed it was because he's whacked Simon Godfrey once as if they aren't the same people who whop their chop (or lady chop) to highlight videos of Rod Grinter elbowing people in the face.

Round 7 vs Hawthorn
Absentee vote
Family drama meant having to miss one game in Victoria all year, and good god what a great day it was to be watching on the couch. Otherwise I'd have been ejected from the MCG and charged by Victoria Police with using indecent language in a public place. It's not that a thrashing at the hands of the two time defending premiers was unexpected but it was a sad reminder after avoiding beltings all 2014 (because every game was a score of 30-70) that we're still nowhere the best. Sadly it was proven that we weren't going to make the finals. Ever again.

Round 8 vs Western Bulldogs
Love Theme From Melbourne Football Club
What a story the Bulldogs were. Being the expert tipster I am they were predicted to finish last, yet in the final few weeks of the season they were flirting with the top four. Good on us for slapping some much needed sense into them like we usually do to Richmond.

After three weeks being tonked by the real premiership contenders we temporarily climbed out of the sludge pit. In the midst of all this we enjoyed the sight of Jack Fitzpatrick having his greatest moment by destroying million dollar man Tom Boyd. Later in the year they would wreak a terrible revenge on us, but for now it was thrilling even if you did incorrectly expect this result to cause the Dogs to plummet back to our level within a few weeks.

Round 9 vs Port Adelaide
Strange medicine in the desert
Our third interstate trip for the season, and the third time we'd opened up a lead then copped a thumping. We'd got 78 points in front and lost by 131 in total. What an arsehole of a club. In a bizarre adjunct to the Goodes war dance controversy Harry O did an unsuccessful cover version after kicking a rare goal.

Round 10 vs Collingwood
Fear of a Black and White Planet
Celebrities of grades between B and [not rated] went down a giant slide for charity. They'd have raised more money if it had seen them land in a vat of acid, but much good money was raised in the name of our last decent coach Neale Daniher. On-field we were shit, then temporarily we were Brisbane 2001-2002, then we were shit again, then we were ok again, then Jack Fitzpatrick did a weird tunnelball thing and ended both our chances of winning and his AFL career.

It didn't help that Travis Cloke decided to kick straight for the first and last time in his life. At least nobody's dad got king hit afterwards.

Round 11 vs St Kilda
Defensive Indifference
The night that our best chance at winning at the dreaded stadium for the first time since 2007 was destroyed by a moment of insanity where not one of our 250 coaches or matchday staff could tell the time and inform the entire team to defend. Then Jimmy Toumpas' greatest game ever (in a reasonably soft field) ended with a bastard of a bounce that landed in Leigh Montagna's arms and next thing you knew he was back in the Cale Morton Wing of the Home for Talent Players Who Have Been Melbourned.  

2015 Aaron Davey Medal for Goal of the Year 

It's that man Jones again. In a game otherwise dripping with slurry and sludge the captain provided a rare highlight in our limp late season loss to St Kilda will this top shelf finish.

Credit also to the much maligned Chris Dawes for the role he played, and to the St Kilda defender who had obviously read The Melbourne FC Guide To Kicking In before the match.

Round 1 - Dom Tyson
Round 2 - Mark Jamar (the actual only thing he got from his association with Melbourne this year other than the cold shoulder)
Round 3 - Ben Newton
Round 4 - Jesse Hogan
Round 5 - Jeff Garlett
Round 6 - Jeff Garlett (2)
Round 7 - Jeff Garlett (3)
Round 8 - Jeff Garlett (4)
Round 9 - Heritier Lumumba
Round 10 - Jeff Garlett (5)
Round 11 - Tom McDonald
Round 12 - Jeff Garlett (6)
Round 14 - Jack Viney
Round 15 - Jeff Garlett (7)
Round 16 - Tom McDonald (2)
Round 17 - Nathan Jones
Round 18 - Jesse Hogan (2)
Round 19 - Angus Brayshaw
Round 20 - Chris Dawes
Round 21 - Chris Dawes (2)
Round 22 - Jack Watts
Round 23 - Jesse Hogan (3)

Honour Roll
2014 - Christian Salem
2015 - Nathan Jones

Most nominations 2014-2015
7 - Jeff Garlett
5 - Bernie Vince
3 - Chris Dawes, Jesse Hogan, Nathan Jones

2015 Marcus Seecamp Medal for Defender of the Year

Backmen, don't you love them? Well not if you're handing out the votes in a media award or the Brownlow.

We're always here for the backmen, but in 2015 if your name wasn't Tom McSizzle then get to the back of the line. Defenders are awesome but not so much that like midfielders we're ever likely to have multiple Jakovich contenders from the same position.

This season there weren't even multiple contenders in the Seecamp, because McDonald shot out to an early lead and was never troubled again. Early in the season he was even comfortably leading the overall competition, before Travis Cloke temporarily sent him off the rails.

Unlike Nathan Carroll's half season of glory in 2006 Tom recovered (and presumably won't eventually have to front the County Court later) and nearly nicked the overall title again with a surprise end of season run of form. Instead he had to settle for winning the first of what he hopes will be many Seecamps.

Speaking of backmen it would be remiss not to take this opportunity to discuss the fact that four time winner, and inaugural Demonbracket champion, James Frawley is now a premiership player. I've got no personal animosity towards the guy because he did plenty of years in the trenches - and we were well compensated for his departure - but it still hurts. My issue is mainly with the team, if he'd inexplicably gone to West Coast and made the Grand Final I would have been 100% behind him, but it just seems rude that you can trot off to the two time defending premiers and pinch a flag straight away.

He had legitimate refugee status but for my own sanity I'd have at least liked him to spend a couple of years on football's equivalent of Manus Island before achieving success. But, bad luck to me he's got more flags than the Dees since 1965 and like $cully with his millions of dollars is a winner while we're happy just to out of the bottom four.

40 - Tom McDonald
5 - Colin Garland
4 - Lynden Dunn, Neville Jetta
2 - Jack Grimes, Jeremy Howe, Heritier Lumumba
0 - Sam Frost, Oscar McDonald, Dean Terlich
DQ - Cameron Pedersen, Jack Watts

Previous winners
2005 - Nathan Carroll and Ryan Ferguson (shared)
2006 - Jared Rivers
2007 - Paul Wheatley
2008 - Matthew Whelan
2009 - James Frawley ($22)
2010 - James Frawley [2] ($3.50)
2011 - James Frawley [3] ($4)
2012 - Jack Grimes ($7)
2013 - James Frawley [4] ($2.80)
2014 - Lynden Dunn ($25)
2015 - Tom McDonald ($14)

2015 Jeff Hilton Medal for Rookie of the Year

After the absolute disaster that this award turned out to be in 2014 it was refreshing to have some solid contenders again.

Given that Hogan started as a red hot favourite it was no surprise to see him lift the medal (and I'm sure it will look lovely on his mantelpiece in whichever suburb Fremantle players on $10m contracts live), but Brayshaw didn't waste his one shot at rookie glory and pushed Hulk for most of the season.

Aaron vandenBerg also put in a strong first year campaign and polled heavily, but we'd been waiting two full years to see Hogan in action and he didn't disappoint. He monstered Alex Rance, he took contested marks at a rapid rate, he was quite accurate with his set shots despite a kooky kicking style. He was everything you wanted him to be an more. I still shat myself whenever he changed directions because I'm waiting for something horrendously Melbournesque to happen.

Administrative note - Mitch White and Oscar McDonald remain eligible for next year's award due to making their debuts in the last month of the season.

25 - Jesse Hogan
17 - Angus Brayshaw
10 - Aaron vandenBerg
3 - James Harmes
1 - Alex Neal-Bullen
0 - Jayden Hunt, Max King, Oscar McDonald, Christian Petracca, Billy Stretch, Mitch White

Previous winners
2005 - No players eligible.
2006 - Matthew Bate
2007 - Michael Newton
2008 - Cale Morton
2009 - Jack Grimes ($4 fav)
2010 - [REVOKED] ($5)
2011 - Jeremy Howe ($30)
2012 - Tom McDonald ($8)
2013 - Jack Viney ($5)
2014 - Jay Kennedy-Harris ($15)
2015 - Jesse Hogan ($4.50)

2015 Year in review - part two 

Round 12 vs Geelong
Road Warriors
In the midst of all the depressing incidents we've been through over the last few years this was something memorable. Standing in the very spot where I watched the 31 goal loss which practically killed off the club, I saw our best win since 2011. Geelong weren't much this year, right in the middle of a tough rebuilding phase you know, but the task of going to Kardinia Park seemed even more pointless when Hogan was a late withdrawal.

Then Max Gawn turned up and started taking screamers over everyone, Brayshaw pulled off the epic smother and when challenged in the last quarter we stayed strong instead of crumbling like a house of cards. It was magnificent, and given that we can't win two games in a row having a bye the next week was the closest thing.

Round 14 vs West Coast
Unity and Struggle
Nobody was really feeling it in the week of the Phil Walsh incident, and we got nothing out of this game other than $600k from the Northern Territory government just for showing up. Nobody really expected to beat the Eagles, but it was such a flat performance that you did start to wonder whether we were going to have another shithouse second half of the season like 2014. Collars were nervously adjusted at the idea of not winning another game for the year.

Round 15 vs Essendon
Down with this sort of thing
Suspicions of a second half of the season fiasco were heightened when we contrived to give James Hird the last highlight of his thwarted coaching career. Essendon had lost by 110 points the week before, and with Gawn dominating the ruck everything was set up in our favour. Except our goalkicking at important moments was a handy preview of West Coast in the Grand Final and down the other end Joe Daniher had his own Travis Cloke moment by deciding to kick straight for the first and last time in his life. The next week he would practically miss from the goalsquare with his first shot on goal. Of course.

Round 16 vs Brisbane
It's lonely at the top (of the bottom four)
... or the day where we learned to win ugly again. Finally for the first time in years we had a win that wasn't Event TV. In fact it was so sludgy that many of our fans were actually disappointed at how we played instead of doing cartwheels down Brunton Avenue. Proof undeniable that expectations have risen and people aren't just happy with wins anymore they want quality. Not me, I still treat every victory like it's made of gold.

Round 17 vs St Kilda
Throwing deckchairs off the Titanic
After a much needed but lacklustre victory over the last placed Lions the week before we had another top chance to get that elusive second win in a row and totally stuffed it up. At least this time it wasn't due to faulty timekeeping, rather being second rate all day (other than Jones' award winning goal). It was a much deserved loss. This was the point where a noticeable shift against the Roos era rippled through our supporters, which would ultimately come to a head with the 'veil of negativity' debacle.

Round 18 vs Collingwood
Take off your pants and jacket
Then just as everyone was ready to Express Post their membership card to Snowtown we beat Collingwood. Not that they were much chop this year but considering how badly we'd played against rock bottom shitbox sides for the previous three weeks it seemed unlikely that we'd able to do over a marginally better, lower midcard team playing to keep their finals hopes alive but there you go. Like Geelong I'm still not sure how much of it was to do with them playing terribly, but the way we ran away in the last quarter when half the team looked like they were about to collapse at the end of the third demonstrated that it was a deserved victory.

Round 19 vs North Melbourne
Tales from the Script
After the glory of the Collingwood win normal service quickly resumed. Our month of horrible first quarters started with a vengeance, including the farcical scene of full-forward Jack Watts somehow finding himself kicking out then belting it straight at the smallest man on the field and conceding a goal. With Gawn thrown to the wolves and expected to take Todd Goldstein on single handedly the poor bastard was about to die by the end of the day. Somehow despite all this we got back to within a kick in the third quarter, and were well in it early in the last before hitting the wall in spectacular fashion.

Round 20 vs Western Bulldogs
Complaining to a tree
Just your traditional Docklands Disaster. With most of our side looking like they were well over 2015 they collided with a Footscray side who were at the peak of their powers and results were disappointing. We were 70 points down in the second quarter, it momentarily got better when we inexplicably held them goalless in the third quarter, then we nearly lost by 100 anyway. Toxic...

Round 21 vs Carlton
Instant asset write-offs
... but at least there was no way we could lose this game was there? During the week the Blues had learned Lachie Henderson was going to leave at the end of the year and told him to do one, they had late changes, last place was still on offer if they were keen on it and they'd been playing like shit. Sadly our morale had been squashed flat by this point and once we let them get off to a good start they went on with it. We launched one of those bullshit fruitless comebacks and got close enough to do damage during the last quarter, but alas the end of season drizzling shits were upon us and Carlton proved to certain other clubs that tanking is optional.

Round 22 vs Fremantle
The Rainbow Connection Meets The Reality Bus Uptown
In a week where everyone verballed Paul Roos and decided that he'd said the club was shit because of the fans we travelled to Perth for the great Nathan Jones' 200th game. It didn't go particularly well, Jones got injured, we played like shite, and Fremantle trotted around in 1st gear to confirm themselves as minor premiers. Not that it did them any good in the end, they ended up doing the same thing as us on Grand Final day.

Time is rapidly running out for us to win a game at Subiaco before they bulldoze it. What shame if it joins Football Park as a ground where our long losing streak is only halted because it gets shut down.

Round 23 vs Greater Western Sydney
Lifting the Veil
Where the dreaded Docklands Death Match finally ended, but nobody was there to see it. A highly agreeable end of season slopfest where half the players are only interested in self preservation so they can maximise their trade value in a few weeks and/or stay healthy to get neck deep on the piss for Mad Monday. Speaking of Mad Monday did ours get any publicity this year? After the Terlich/Georgiou incident in 2014 it's probably a good thing if it was held in secret.

2015 Allen Jakovich Medal for Player of the Year

I was in a work training course the day it was announced that nobody else was going to make a serious bid for Jack Viney and that we'd get him for next to nothing. Stuff training, I was on the phone all day refreshing my Twitter feed then had to leave the room and do a little dance when it became official.

He came in at the wrong time, making his debut during the awful 2013 season but stamped himself as a future star by taking home that year's Hilton. Since then he's battled injury and dodgy suspensions but has rapidly become one of our most useful players, and unlike some others you can see that he quite clearly cares about the club and wants to be one of the men who drag it up off its knees.

His dad never got the opportunity to take the Jako home, because if I knew what 'blogging' was in 1999 or earlier I'd be too rich to bother with trivial matters such as football, but this year Junior made sure the family name would appear on our honour roll.

Tom McDonald and Bernie Vince battled hard, taking the contest all the way to the last game of the season but Jack did enough. He stood tall in a second half of the year where others lost interest and remained mighty until the last to lift his first championship. He's the longest priced winner since odds were introduced in 2009, but nobody can argue that it was well deserved. Congratulations Jack.

44 - Jack Viney
40 - Tom McDonald, Bernie Vince
30 - Nathan Jones
25 - Jesse Hogan
17 - Angus Brayshaw, Jack Watts
16 - Daniel Cross
11 - Max Gawn (WINNER: Jim Stynes Medal for Ruckman of the Year), Cameron Pedersen
10 - Jeff Garlett, Aaron vandenBerg
7 - Chris Dawes, Dom Tyson
6 - Viv Michie, Christian Salem
5 - Colin Garland, Ben Newton
4 - Lynden Dunn, Neville Jetta
3 - James Harmes
2 - Jack Fitzpatrick, Jack Grimes, Jeremy Howe, Heritier Lumumba
1 - Mark Jamar, Matt Jones, Alex Neal-Bullen, Jake Spencer

Previous winners
2005 - Travis Johnstone
2006 - Brock McLean
2007 - Nathan Jones
2008 - Cameron Bruce
2009 - Aaron Davey ($8)
2010 - Brad Green ($4)
2011 - Brent Moloney ($9)
2012 - Nathan Jones [2] ($3.50)
2013 - Nathan Jones [3] ($2)
2014 - Nathan Jones [4] ($3.50)
2015 - Jack Viney ($15)

And with that we say farewell for another year, once more thanks for showing an interest. Don't forget to take your vitamins, buy your memberships and sacrifice some sort of creature to the future success of our club. Now, let the best time of the year to be a Melbourne fan begin


Monday, 7 September 2015

Lifting the veil

And so the Melbourne Football Club walked once more into the Valley of Death, with one player for every consecutive defeat at the ground, a coaching staff who had unexpectedly discovered the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse knocking on the door in the last few weeks and about 8000 dedicated mentalists who are fully committed to going down with the ship one day.

The last game of the home and away season is so often treated with contempt by one or more of the competing clubs that it's hard to tell what's going to happen. Unless you've followed our recent record in these games, then you'd have a pretty good idea of what was going to happen. We can't all have the good fortune of running into a Ross Lyon finals side in Round 23 you know.

So we had history against us, not to mention the regrettable fact that the Giants are a better side and the fact the game was being played at a venue which traditionally causes Melbourne players to burst into tears as they pull into the car park. Our 22 consecutive losses at the ground 'only' ranks equal 11th amongst the worst runs in league history, but with all factors combined it was enough to convince most people that all GWS had to do was simply show up to collect one last win of the season for their legion of fans.

(Note - this is the bit where I'd usually crack wise about it being a legion to the strictest definition of 5000 people, but when you've just wheeled out your lowest home state crowd since 1996 it's probably best to avoid throwing stones).

Fortunately what might have otherwise been a last round snoozefest on a par with classics like Fremantle 2012 or North 2014 was enlivened in advance by the off-field storylines. Where would we be without the drama? Imagine having to actually concentrate on the footy, you'd go mental.

The first was Howe's 100th game (wouldn't have made it if I'd had my way), and the loose talk during the week about him wanting to stay. Rubbish, and after his performance I'm sure we'll be accepting any reasonable offers. Also from the contract speculation files came the midweek suggestions that both Garland and Toumpas were about to sign new deals, but the most remarkable contract news came courtesy of one that didn't exist. In the week where he'd demonstrated his capabilities as a league footballer by getting the ball 39 times Daniel Cross 'retired'.

At first it seemed like positive news, who could be begrudge a well-regarded 249 game player the opportunity to choose his own time of departure? Until you actually read the story and it turns out he'd retired because in a nice way we'd sacked him. Which was sad. I accept the need to move on, and the view given by the coach that it's better somebody goes out playing good footy than toiling away in the reserves but my first instinct was that it was the wrong thing to do. We still need the leadership, we still need players who go out and hunt the ball and there's hardly a cavalcade of stars who we need to clear spots for on our senior list. So what's the harm in keeping him on a one-year contract and tapping him on the shoulder when there's a rookie ready to step up in Round 11 next season?

Moving him on - or into an off-field role - is hardly going to tear a hole in the club but for somebody who has had more impact on players and fans in under 40 games than anyone in recent memory it seemed a shoddy way to say goodbye. Obviously how it played out (other than the concussion) was better than waiting until after the game then doing him in behind the scenes, but it still seemed unnecessarily hasty considering we'll probably remain in slow rebuild mode next year.

At least if he had to go out he did it in the most spectacular fashion, Dangerfielding himself on the rocky Docklands surface then returning to a heroes welcome after first giving the crowd a thumbs up on the stretcher. As you would be no doubt be aware there's nothing I love more than a real life scenario that closely resembles professional wrestling, and this was the AFL's equivalent of Mick Foley going off/through the cage then returning legitimately so dazed that he didn't know what was going on to play his part in the finish. In years past he would have stormed back on the ground and taken a huge mark to bring the crowd to their feet, but in this safety focused era he had to confine himself to taking plaudits from the audience while sitting on the bench.

What a man, and what an image of him being chaired off with his son on Brayshaw's shoulders. One of the great MFC shots, if only somebody would Photoshop in at least a semblance of a crowd behind them.
As far as MFC careers go Brad Green's was far more illustrious, but for chairings Cross and Son certainly beat the time tragic figures Grimgove stood too far apart and almost tore the former captain's knackers in half. Just look at Brad's face, he's puffing wind rapidly because he knows his testicles are being torn asunder but he doesn't want to create a scene.

During all this our very good friend Mark Jamar must have been looking on startled, having practically been written out of history in the last 12 weeks. Where was his opportunity to cap 13 seasons of toil and struggle by going off under his own steam let alone atop somebody's shoulder. I'm comfortable that he probably wanted to play for Casey in a final instead of in a meaningless game with only a marginally smaller crowd, but some acknowledgement of his career would at least be polite. Hopefully he doesn't suffer the same fate as Garry Baker, who only found out he'd been delisted when he sat through jumper presentation night and realised he wasn't getting one when they got to #54 and he hadn't been called up yet.

Another storyline to keep the internet on the verge of meltdown was Watts mysteriously being dropped on Thursday night, just before the sort of free and easy game you'd think he'd absolutely dominate. As it turns out it looks like he's off as well, with scuttlebutt suggesting that he told the club he'd be asking for a trade and in Carlton fashion we said "well, we're not risking getting stuck with you if you do an ACL". The only difference being that we didn't go on to have a press conference about it then beat Melbourne a few days later.

He's reported to have been going around to players in the rooms after the game looking like he was "saying goodbye", which sounds fairly decisive though I'm not sure how much stock to put in that considering he'll be necking slabs with them on Mad Monday and tucking into a Chicken Kiev alongside them at the Best and Fairest before any deals are done. At least he'll get an invite, I'm half expecting that Jamar shows up in his tux and looks at the seating chart to to find it says HOWE, JEREMY (table 21) then skips to JETTA, NEVILLE (table 32) and ends up having dinner at the food court KFC.

There would be something sad about seeing Jack go. Like many Melbourne fans I've spun the Wheel of Watts on a near weekly basis since Queen's Birthday 2008 and got a different result every time. Eventually this year it seemed that the best thing for him to do would be to get out of Victoria and find a quieter footy market where he could get on with playing footy untouched by scrutiny, but even as his form tapered off at the end of the year I returned to the position that playing for us is about as high-profile as playing for Gold Coast (especially if you believe this sub-Buzzfeed farce of an article which goes out of its way to manipulate the figures to tell us something we all know) so he might as well stay. Besides, the kids like him and once Howe goes there won't be much else for them to get into (other than, hopefully, winning more games of football).

After over 100 spins of the wheel which never quite landed on either JACKPOT or BANKRUPT I came back to the view that we should just let him roll in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health and see what happens. He's never going to win the Brownlow but at the same time nor is he going to be pictured wheeling through lines of gak or delivering blistering Nick Kyrgios style sledges to opponents, so couldn't we do with a solid citizen that can (usually) kick straight? But if his heart isn't in it then let's all move on, let him go the way of so many others at other clubs. Personally I hope he succeeds but the path is littered with carnage. Just don't start on the fantasy that things would have worked out if we'd picked Nic Nat instead.

All this was head-spinning enough in the lead-up to what should have otherwise been a casual day out at the footy with a few hundred other devotees, then as if to taunt us rumours break out that Hogan's got hamstring problems in the rooms but is going to play anyway. At this point I'm sure you, like me, remembered his random outbreaks of soreness during the year and started to ponder the worst hamstring related injury possible. Off the bone, out of the leg and into the vacant third level? That's the sort of question you wrestle with as a Melbourne fan on permanent Farce Watch. He played and he survived, but I must admit when he nursed that first shot on goal with about 10% power and failed to make the distance from 40 metres out there was much nervous adjustment of collar as I expected him to be having scans at the Epworth by half time.

With all these off-field antics taking precedence, an inconsequential Human Centipede vs Franchise empty arena match almost seemed like a waste of time - and for the first 15 minutes of the first quarter it was. Our first quarters for the last month have been practically illegal, and turning two set shots into 0.0 it was threatening to erupt into ultimate Melbourne when they flipped the game on us and dominated for a few minutes before kicking two goals. Fortunately that's where it temporarily ended, and we got scored almost as many majors in two minutes as we had in the entire last month of first quarters.

It wasn't without some drama but we got there in the end. It might have helped that GWS were showing scant interest, but who cares when you're in our situation? By my count since the last time we won at this stadium we've had 83 different players try and fail to get us another victory. That's a terrifying 6.2% of all players to appear for the Melbourne Football Club since 1897. While Jack Watts was left to say his goodbyes after 14 consecutive losses at the place Oscar McDonald and Mitch White sat back and laughed, having conquered the mountain at their first attempt.

The result eventually turned out alright, but at first our tactics seemed depressingly familiar. Even in a Round 23 bruise-free classic we were obsessed with going backwards, especially Grimes who has been so comprehensively Melbourned that there's no doubt he'll be joining Blease, Emo Maric and Petterd in a class action against the club for crushing their hopes and dreams. Metres gained is the buzz stat of the year, and he must have been about 400m in the negative at one point during the first quarter. It was good when he took a mark inside 50 and had to have a shot because at least it forced to him to kick forward. It's not his fault, we've just crushed his spirit and self-confidence.

The result of a throwaway match shouldn't have seemed so important, but after seeing the last 20 of the 22 losses in person (I'm living in my sixth different house since the last win, which says as much about me as the Dees) the idea of going through another summer wondering if we'd ever win there again was unsatisfying. I missed the first two while overseas, listening to Russell Robertson snap his achilles in an internet cafe in Singapore then 'enjoying' defeat to the Tigers live from Malaysia, but have felt every bump since - from the relative highs of failing to topple St Kilda because of a timekeeping fiasco to North flogging us by 20 goals - and this was as good an opportunity as any to finally do it by taking advantage of the disinterest of others.

The sides were on a relatively equal footing, we both had four players of under 10 games and were both carrying a player who is 100% leaving in the vain hope that they might change their mind and grace us with their presence in the future. The difference was that while we had a monster ruckman who taps everything they had a pair of cannon fodder battlers who Gawn walked on all day, quite literally early on when he gave away a free in the first quarter for sticking a boot through his hapless opponent. He still looked tired, if only we had another ruckman who could have used one more game to say goodbye? I noticed that when it became clear just how overmatched the Giants were in the centre that Dunn was thrown in there a backup when he wasn't returning to his roots as a pinch-hit forward. He had no idea what he was doing, but then again neither did the other guy so it all worked out in the end. Real Round 23 stuff.

After the varying fortunes of the first quarter, and poor old Grimes gifting them a goal by dropping a sitter, we found ourselves level. We could have better, but compared to the first quarters in recent weeks it was almost worthy of a standing ovation. The second quarter started much like the first had, with both sides playing like they were involved a local thirds game. Still we seemed to be playing the better football, and it's not often you can say that. The problem was that for all the dominance in the contest it still looked like we were more vulnerable to conceding goals from wacky turnovers than of our attack doing enough. Hogan is all present but as usual he was lacking a second option so defenders converged on him whenever the ball went inside 50.

Not that either side could convert the chances they had, until the Giants got one and convinced me that we were going to crash to a shocking loss. Because it was Round 23 and my nerves were shot to shit. Even a day later I'm still getting tense watching highlights, I'm a hopeless addict and won't know what to do with myself on weekends. Except next week when as part of the traditional "do what your wife tells you to" payoff for spending six months watching footy I'm off for a weekend at some place called Jolly Farm. Might sneak a look at the first weekend of the Exhibition Series, but when it comes down to it I don't really give a shit.

The best bit about the second quarter - before we started kicking goals - was that any questions about the integrity of the final round of voting for the Jakovich Medal were quashed when Viney started running riot around the packs. Vince and McDonald were also among the best, but Jack had done more than enough to confirm that he couldn't be beaten. He has had an amazing second half of the season and is a well deserved winner. This was the sort of Slopfest that he's genetically built for, and he took full advantage.

At the other end of the prominence scale, Mitch White was having a surprisingly assured debut. For somebody who never seemed to be banging the door down for selection (if like me you base all your decisions on VFL match reports) he probably couldn't have picked a better day to get his eye in when the opposition couldn't give a stuff. Not that the circumstances of the game detract from his performance, he was good with ball in hand and hard around the packs. He's unlikely to be an automatic selection but we should see him during the pre-season and in a few senior games next year. In the world of rookies Harmes was also fantastic, taking screamers and kicking goals. Again I'd like to see him do it in a real game, but it capped off some encouraging performances over the last few weeks.

Considering he did nothing else except take a screamer and cost us a goal with the subsequent turnover it should be noted that it was a calm set shot finish from the boundary by Howe that got us going again. I cursed him openly after the turnover, but he could still do a bit of damage in the forward line of another club. He's another one I'd be sad to lose, but not nearly as sad as Garland (potentially) or Watts.

We still couldn't get rid of GWS though, never giving them the excuse they were looking for to pack up, put their comfy slippers on and drink cocktails from a deckchair for the rest of the afternoon. At some point if we didn't put them away they were going to have no alternative but to actually have a go and win.

The domination around the ground continued through the first half of the third quarter without us being able to put them away. A captains special on the run from Jones and Grimes' surprising set shot briefly opened up an advantage but the Giants were still hanging around like a bad smell. It was only in the dying minutes of the quarter that we finally managed to stick it to them. Newton kicked two goals in a row and almost managing to set off the NBA Jam style "He's on Fire" with a third before Hogan all but put them away with a set shot after the siren which proved the only leg issues he had were an even wackier than usual run-up.

I say 'all but', because it would have been the ultimate in #fistedforever if we'd stuffed up a four goal lead against a nobody team in front of an empty stadium and that still seemed like an option. Gawn was winning all the taps, Viney, Vince and Jones were dominating and McDonald had kept Cameron quiet all day but the nervous part of me said there was still something satanic in our near future, something to really send us into the off-season with our head in the oven. When they got the first of the quarter after a minute my blood pressure was on the rise, and when professional Cameron Hunter impersonator Cameron McCarthy ran into an open goal it was about to go through the roof. Fortunately he was playing the sort of game that even we'd drop you after (if it wasn't the last round) and by missing from right in front he blew the chance to bring his side back to within two goals with plenty of time on the clock and a psychologically fragile opposition who could crack at any minute.

After they took advantage of Cross being knocked out (and I'm not saying they should have stopped and kicked the ball out of play or anything, but no need to pay the free kick for chopped arms first eh umpire? No need to have a surface with any give in it eh Etihad Stadium? And various other conspiracies) to bundle home a third goal of the quarter to keep them in it I was absolutely shitting it - and I wasn't the only one, there might have only been a handful of people present but we were going mental because any win remains golden, and most of the Melburnians on scene must have been well aware that the ultimate curse was on its last legs without anyone ever having to take a piss around the boundary line to drive it out.

Having finally realised midway through the third quarter that it was a great time to start attacking instead of going backwards we continued looked like winners everywhere but on the scoreboard. I was still guarded against a debacle, especially after the break while Cross did his best Captain Lance Murdock impression as he was carted from the ground. Maybe the break helped halt any chance they had of a comeback, and it didn't much harm Cross who was back within minutes. They had one last chance to stay in the game but missed before Harmes sent his stock further through the roof with the winning goal and the last five minutes were spent enjoying the death of a curse. Even having to listen to the dreaded trumpeteer was worthwhile for what it represented, new life at a ground that has taken more victims than Typhoid.

We stayed to enjoy the winning feeling, warmly applauded Cross off and... that was it. All those weeks of tension, drama and psychological torture over. Hopefully this year we can ease our way into the off-season and aren't scandalised when Terlich and A. Rookie turn up to Mad Monday dressed as Fred and Rose West.

It's all over now, breathe easy and eagerly await the release of the 2016 fixture. Now, onto more important matters...

2015 Allen Jakovich Medal votes
5 - Bernie Vince
4 - Jack Viney
3 - Nathan Jones
2 - Tom McDonald
1 - James Harmes

Apologies to Cross, Garland, Garlett, Gawn, Hogan, Newton, Salem and White

Both McDonald and Vince did enough to tie Viney.. if Jack had subbed himself out after five minutes instead of being close to best on ground again. It was a great way to complete a storming second half of the season.

By half time he was home, with there being little chance of him dropping out of the top two votes, and while he was passed for the maximum score by Bernard in the second half and McDonald also polled four was more than enough to get home after starting the year a $15 chance. It makes him the longest priced winner since pre-season odds were first presented in 2009, but considering Nathan Jones has lifted three in that time as red hot favourite it's not surprising.

What a battle the Jakovich was this season, possibly the best ever. First McDonald gave hope to fans of defence everywhere by opening up a huge early lead with four BOGs and votes in the first seven games before Travis Cloke temporarily wrecked him.

As McSizzle dropped back to the field Vince was next to challenge, picking up three BOGs in a row between rounds 10 and 12 but even though he was arguably the most important of them all with 20 votes in wins compared to 10 for Viney and eight for McDonald he only managed eight votes from rounds 13 to 22 to leave himself at best a chance of sharing the medal.

As Vince was winding down the Viney campaign began in earnest, overturning a nine point deficit the last time we won a game before yesterday to charge him over the collapsed bodies of his teammates. He polled in all but two games after Round 10, and withstood the second coming of Sizzle to successfully defend his lead in the last round.

And so, for the 11th time we award the most prestigious medallion in football. One day the great man himself will return to personally drape it over the neck of the champion, but for now Jack will just have to accept our best intentions. After three consecutive wins by Nathan Jones a new chapter in football royalty is written:

44 - Jack Viney (WINNER: Allen Jakovich Medal for Player of the Year)
40 - Tom McDonald (WINNER: Marcus Seecamp Medal for Defender of the Year), Bernie Vince
30 - Nathan Jones
25 - Jesse Hogan (WINNER: Jeff Hilton Rising Star Award)
17 - Angus Brayshaw, Jack Watts
16 - Daniel Cross
11 - Max Gawn (WINNER: Jim Stynes Medal for Ruckman of the Year), Cameron Pedersen
10 - Jeff Garlett, Aaron vandenBerg
7 - Chris Dawes, Dom Tyson
6 - Viv Michie, Christian Salem
5 - Colin Garland, Ben Newton
4 - Lynden Dunn, Neville Jetta
3 - James Harmes
2 - Jack Fitzpatrick, Jack Grimes, Jeremy Howe, Heritier Lumumba
1 - Mark Jamar, Matt Jones, Alex Neal-Bullen, Jake Spencer

Apparently the electoral system used for the Best and Fairest rewards performance rather than just showing up, so he could snatch victory despite missing so many games. It will be a belter of a contest, with Jones, McDonald and Cross (which would be hilarious) having played every game, with Vince one less. I'm not writing any of the first three off, or Hogan in a rort to try and convince him to sign a 10 year contract, but Bernard seems a safe choice for the Bluey.

Meanwhile for some unknown bloody reason I'd given Gawn an extra four votes on the leaderboard after the North game. This has been corrected as part of a midweek audit. Thank god all the other scores were right so we didn't end up in the Supreme Court.

What a great day it is for this segment when the actual banner uses the same format as the logo for this segment, which is no surprise considering that the logo was kindly supplied by the Demon Army's own @demonsbeth. Not that there's any sort of John Laws style Cash for Comment outrages involved with the judging in this segment, it's just that the aforementioned army have kept dishing out curtain-free quality for the last few years no matter how closely our football resembled the aftermath of a nuclear armageddon.

And so, with one defeat in the segment's inaugural season our team shot for glory in year two and I'm proud to say they've achieved it. While general banner standards in the league have sunk to lows not seen since the days that a thin layer of tissue paper was held over either side of the race for players to run through (North's dirigible and Carlton's absurd curtain the main offenders) the perfect season has been achieved.

We provided another strongly kerned effort with a quality inset image of Jeremy Howe, which was duly rotated to show all 850 people in the ground both sides while the Giants fell into the St Kilda trap of creating something so see-through that you can't properly make out what it says on either side. Dees win, and with the score draw for the joint ANZAC Day banner, two women's game victories and one other random win that I can't remember that's 25-1-0 for the season. Congratulations to all involved and good luck again next year.

Matchday Experience Watch
Knowing that it was going to a real friends and family day - and thank god for the Cross entourage adding a few more to the gate - we obviously didn't go out of our way to make it an all out festival of razzle dazzle. Not that you'd have known if they had from where I was sitting, I've softened on the ground in the last couple of years (especially now that we've won a bloody game there) but they've opted for the bizarre concept of not showing the same feed on the big screen and on the TVs for people sitting up the back of the first row so whatever big screen antics we put on at the breaks it's not like more than a handful of people would have seen it anyway.

We imported the Melbourne Music gimmick, and for the first time I heard that Angus Brayshaw's selection was Stuart Kellett's walk-on music. Which raised my spirits even though it was probably not actually a tribute to a middle of the road darts player.

Maybe Etihad Stadium just didn't bother for the occasions and broadcast the Fox Footy feed on the big screen, but the reason we were provided televisions with that feed was because we couldn't see the main screen from any angle. I suspect there were different pictures being shown by the fact that the people in front of me were going insane over replays of free kicks while we schlubs at the back were still waiting for the 'host broadcaster' to show it.

An unintentional bonus of this odd broadcasting decision was that it was a big win for people like me who always want to see a countdown clock but are vehemently against letting the players know exactly how much time there is left. As usual the radio was pretending they didn't know how much time there was left even though they were watching the same feed.

The Round 23 CBF began with Russell Robertson handing over hosting duties for the last edition of Howie's Hangers to Channel 9 sports reporter Clint Stanaway. Robbo obviously knew full well from his bump during the Legends Game that somebody was a high chance of putting themselves in a wheelchair by trying to take a screamer on top of a thinly veiled carpark so he wasn't having any part of it. Like Mitch White, Clint could treat his debut as a trial run considering nobody was there to see him but seemed to have taken over Robbo's mantle with aplomb, albeit temporarily. Fortunately for the amateurs in overalls nobody went at a high ball with the same vigour as Daniel Cross so none were knocked out landing on the concrete surface. We remain litigation free for another year, and with Howe going elsewhere the segment name is up for review. Vote 1 Gawn's Grabs.

Crowd Watch

Obviously we failed in our application to have the traditional GWS +40% crowd adjustment applied to an away game because we not only beat the record for the worst crowd ever at the venue but absolutely thrashed it, cutting a massive 3568 off the 12,500 who had reluctantly shown up to see Chris Connolly's Fremantle poleaxe Peter Rohde's Western Bulldogs in Round 7 2003's clash of ex-Demons who would eventually become sacked coaches.

If it wasn't for the Exhibition Series taking over this week our fans would no doubt be copping the blame for the record low crowd, but anybody who properly examined the audience could see that the bottom level was reasonably well patronised and it was actually level two that was nearly empty. So, like the Grand Final I blame corporates for ruining things.

Even though we've got some realistic arguments as to why it wasn't our fault - Father's Day can't have helped on top of everything else - and how the deck was stacked against us it's still a bit sad that it's come to this. Part of me is thrilled to be involved in a record, but I was hoping we'd at least manage five figures. It must have cost us a fortune, but there'd be significant questions to be asked of the administration if they hadn't budgeted for little more than 10k when the fixture came out. The idea that it might have cost us over a quarter of the profits of the Northern Territory games is obscene but we've only got ourselves to blame for being so horrible over the years that 25,000 people would rather stay home and listen to Dwayne Russell than show up and watch us play in person at an unsuitable venue.

Everyone knows Melbourne fans don't like the place and resent playing a home game there but we got 35,000 against Sydney in Round 20, 2004 when we were were a top four side (though not for long) so obviously people will put their hatred of the venue to one side if the club is on a roll. We got 28k against them next year, but after that the home game crowds against interstate clubs are average at best. Considering some of our results, the 18k against Brisbane last year seems downright reasonable - except that it was because everyone turned up expecting a win and were instead treated to collapse and a Roos soliloquy about the lasting effects of the Tankquiry. The Lions should invite him to come and give their administrators a chat so they don't feel so bad about giving up picks 1 and 2.

With so few people in the stadium it wasn't a totally unpleasant experience, and was one of the rare occasions where you could walk to Southern Cross Station without having to worry that somebody will yell fire and you'll get trampled to death in the dangerously unsafe walkway they've created by putting office buildings on every available inch of space in the area.

It's a horrible place to go when there's a crowd of over 30,000 but it performed well enough with 9000 other than the top level being closed. I assume that not having to staff that level means significantly lower costs paid for by the club, and would crack the shits if I found out we were still paying the same but the stadium were cheerily saving a buck by putting the locks on. At least if you spread 9000 people around the MCG you could be assured of your personal space and several thousand seats to yourself.

Only at Docklands could you go to a game with 9000 people and still be stuck having to sit next to a man in double denim who is up for a chat. Sadly at any ground I go to I'm likely to be stuck behind somebody too stupid to operate a barcode reader, or people who failed to bring enough money to pay for a hot dog and inexplicably don't carry a card to use as an emergency backup.

At least before Double Denim showed up the guy sitting next to me was keeping to himself, scoffing chocolate bars and watching a film on his phone for the entire first half before disappearing for good.

I'm not sure if we were supposed to be able to sit on the Level 1 wing, or if the attendant had just been told to turn a blind eye like a finals side whose captain has been caught driving pissed. Either way the view was reasonable, but the freezing wind blowing through the gate behind me and straight up my clacker because of the shithouse design of the stadium was less enticing.

I would also like to take this time to apologise to the Footscray Football Club (trading as Western Bulldogs), who I accused of deliberately branding all the nanny state announcements on big screens around the ground. I am now aware that as per the picture above that they do it for all 'home' clubs.

Aaron Davey Medal for Goal of the Year
Like our playing list this blog has been in utter disarray for the past few weeks, and as we've all stumbled towards the end of the season like victims of radiation poisoning I've been going on about how time is running out for somebody to beat Garlett. Unfortunately this fails to take into account that Nathan Jones had already snatched the lead off him with this audacious banana on the run against St Kilda.

Nobody beat that today, but for the weekly award I'm going to have to go with Hogan's monster mark and subsequent torp into the top deck. It's probably more about the mark than the goal itself but it was hard to beat for sheer excitement value. The way he adjusted the ball in hand on his way to the goal-line was just asking for it to slip away and roll through for a point but he managed to keep everything in place and not blow his hamstring into orbit with the over-exaggerated finish so somebody make a GIF of it immediately and let's all watch it on repeat until he wins the Rising Star on Wednesday night.

Stat My Bitch Up
With all the momentum at three-quarter time it seemed plausible that we might get the 110 points required to elevate the season to 'just' our fifth lowest of the 22 game era, but sadly it wasn't to be and we ended on an average score of 71.5ppg for the season. Which is not great, but while it was seven points behind 2012 it also involved us conceding 38 less goals so that's not to be taken lightly. In terms of percentage our 76.95 was 'only' our 12th lowest in a 22 game season, and in the end we only took a hit of about 4% from our lost month.

We managed to score more than Brisbane (+33) and Carlton (+55), and to concede less than the five teams below us. It would help if we can develop another reasonable tall forward option/find a ruckman who can kick goals, and can get more goals out of the midfield. There was a massive drop-off after Hogan (44 goals) and Garlett (40) to Jones (12), Dawes and Vince (11 each), so there's plenty to work with if we can give the top two more help. Nevertheless that's 84 goals we didn't have last year, so a big win on both fronts and thanks again to Carlton for swapping Garlett for a Shopper Docket discount. Let's try and flog them Dawes for pick 2.

Next Week The off-season
While the annual eight team exhibition series is played out over the next month we'll be preparing for the following milestone events in a time of the year we like to call Springtime for Melbourne:

Now that Casey have celebrated their return to the finals with the traditional dead parrot routine there's no need to wait for the traditional round of 'thanks but no thanks' massacres. I can't understand why the contract status (years, not dollars) for every player isn't publicly available information but while it's not there's still going to be some confusion about which fringe players are likely to get the chop and which will sneak through for another year as cover.

With all our rookies and the as yet unseen Jayden Hunt seemingly doing enough to survive, and the players we're going to lose to trades I suggest the following result:

OUT: Fitzpatrick (death by tunnel-ball), Jamar ('retired'), McKenzie, Terlich, Riley (this will make me sad)
LUCKY: Bail (I'm convinced he signed for two years last season, not Terlich), M. Jones (one year left)

I'd be surprised if we didn't have the salary cap room to pay-out one of the 'lucky' two and send them on their way, but I'm marginally more inclined to keep them around than to use pick 81 on some kid who is equally as likely to make an impact but without any experience.

Free agency/trading
Everyone knows Howe is gone, and has been for months so there's no need to be coy about it. The joke will be on me when he does sign again now and I have to furiously backtrack, but I'm suggesting the only way he'll end up back with us next year is if everyone else lost interest with his shambolic post-screamer kick yesterday. If you take out the aerial activities and the obscure special talent of slotting goals from outrageous angles at Etihad Stadium he's just an ok player and I'm going to suggest he ends up at Carlton. Brisbane could do with both a goalkicker and somebody who can defend in a crisis, not to mention the media coverage benefits in an otherwise disinterested market, but I can't see it happening unless the AFL chip in a few million because they know he'll get them on the back page of the Courier Mail.

The complication to trying to get a decent pick out of this is that the either the Blues or Lions could swipe him gratis in the pre-season draft. All of this will cost us if Howe wants to go to either of those clubs, but could work in our favour if we can trade him elsewhere. I'm going to suggest that the deal takes most of the trade period and manage to rort the Blues out of a pick in the mid 20's. He's just the sort of flashy player that Carlton will think they can turn into a superstar.

Now we expect Watts to go as well, and as much as the experience with the Blues giving us pick 11 for Brock McLean suggests we should get similar here you only get one trade deal in a lifetime where the other party had been in the carpark huffing paint from a plastic bag for hours beforehand. Without getting into complications like adding players or hot three way deals I'd suggest we're likely to get a 15-20 pick and the joy of watching him run riot elsewhere.

I still think his best move would be to go somewhere where nobody knows his name, but unlike Howe he's under contract so we have to get paid. My inclination is for him to end up enjoying the sun in Brisbane but would fall about laughing if he demanded a trade to one of the 'big' Victorian clubs where there will be 10x as much scrutiny from fans as he got with us. Go to Essendon and enjoy the Stanton treatment of being treated with the contempt by fans until you're caught up in a scandal and suddenly everyone wants to 'back' you. Which will still be a step up from the way some of our supporters have reacted to him over the last few years.

No matter what happens we'll always have the week after 186 when he blind turned nobody and kicked a goal while poor old James Strauss was lying there with a shattered ankle.

We wait for confirmation of the hot rumour about Garland's new contract, and there was also talk last week about Toumpas getting an extra two years which hasn't come to anything yet. I'd be happy to keep both of them, there's no way we'd be getting A* compo for Colin and while he's hardly a star he's a solid presence in a defence that has lost Frawley and Rivers in recent years. If he stays I still think it will have been after wrestling violently with the decision over the last few weeks, so hopefully we can make it worth his while instead of rewarding loyalty by miring him in drama both on and off-field for the rest of his career.

Toumpas has been a bomb so far but if he's interested in sticking around then there's no harm in giving him another two years. It's not like he's done nothing in the last two that would get us any reasonable result in a trade so we might as well persist for at least another year then flog him in a set-to-backfire Garlett style peanuts deal at the end of 2016 once he's officially been Melbourned and joined the lawsuit.

As for who we're going to get in don't hold your breath. We probably have enough money to offer Dangerfield twice the mad money that Geelong are going to spend on him, but would you really pick us at the moment? It seems things are looking up, and we know that despite the early season scragfest that he's good friends with Vince but would you really risk it at the moment if you were him? There's no debate that Geelong represent a far greater chance of a flag no matter what happened this year. Maybe if Adelaide somehow blag their way to a flag this year he'll be more inclined to take a chance, but they won't so fat chance. Besides, if we sign him I'll have to stop making derogatory references to the time Trengove tackled him and his head cracked like an egg.

This article claims we're after Harley Bennell, which would be a good result for football but a great result for people who like to throw words like CULTURE around. What a shift in priorities it would be to get rid of Watts (loved by kids, spends his nights at soup kitchens) for Bennell (loved by drug dealers, spends his nights getting arrested for being blind). I'm into it, we've gone nowhere with good blokes wheel in the anti-social types.

IN: ?
OUT: Howe (Carlton), Watts (Brisbane)
UNCLEAR: Garland, Toumpas

Demonbracket Classic
If you missed the announcement a few weeks ago we'll be holding a 64 player knockout of the players with the least games since 1990. The field currently ends with a play-in game between Scott Chisholm and Matthew Bishop (18 games each) for the 64th spot, but if one of more of our players below that mark get the Tijuana in the next few weeks (and if my projections are correct it'll be Riley) there will be a recalculation of the field.

The Grand Final will be held on the day before the National Draft, and I'll be back in the next few weeks with a finalised field and official tournament dates. In the meantime you can use this page to research your favourites.

This is our day to shine, where everything looks like a great idea and every player is a steal. The question of free agent compensation for Carlton/Brisbane complicates the picture (and it would be positively rude for any Melbourne fan to complain about either of them having a win here after we benefited from the same broken system when Frawley went) but after vaulting above St Kilda I'll assume we're left with pick eight.

Naturally we're going to pick a midfielder, because we've not got the time to wait for key position draftees. Preferably I'd like one who can kick goals if that's not too much to ask for and hopefully that's Petracca's role in the future, but as a Melbourne fan it may be a surprise to discover you can actually never have too many goals. I like to get all my draft information from people who seem like they know what they're talking about on BigFooty, and as we're now rapidly sliding down the draft order I'm switching my allegiance to one Charlie Curnow (moderately silly name) whose description as a "powerful and athletic tall midfielder who can also have an impact as a key forward" and as such makes me go all watery.

Naturally in the end we'll draft somebody with crippling emotional issues, a peg leg or a past career as an armed robber. I'll take the third one as long as they can play football.

Demonbracket V
Once all the above shenanigans have concluded and we've got lists senior and rookie to work with, we move towards the greatest of all knockout competitions - the fifth Grand Slam. The Best and Fairest will determine the top eight seeds (which could be important in ensuring Hogan doesn't have to warm up by whomping some scrub in the preliminary round), and once we know the NAB Cup fixture for next year I can draw up a timeline that ensures maximum opportunity for players to self-promote themselves on social media without taking focus off the first NAB Challenge game against Gold Coast in Pyongyang.

The exciting thing is that next year there's no clear favourite - we all still love Jones like he's a member of our family but I predict strong challenges from Vince, Hogan and Viney. Likewise you can't discount a run at the title from loveable social media promotion machines McDonald or Gawn. Or Dangerfield, who is also handy on Twitter. It's going to be a grand battle royale, and for the fifth time (really? REALLY? We are all old) a great novelty lead-in to the season proper. Especially after you've spent the summer trying to pretend you care about a test series against the West Indies.

We'll also be back in the next couple of weeks with the annual end of season review post that ties everything together. Just waiting to sign a guest host, and if Joan Rivers doesn't return my calls soon I'm going to move on to the next celebrity on my wishlist and try to get Sam Blease to do it.

Was it worth it?
Obviously the day was well worth it. Unlike last year I won't walk over broken glass to see a win but they're still such a novelty that it's hard to say no to one. Smashing the dreaded Docklands curse was obviously the highlight of the day, but it was a season where we knocked over a few perennial disappointments, so even though we reverted into full victim mode late in the season it's hard to argue the overall result.

Yes, faith wavered badly over the last few weeks as 80% of the side looked like they'd rather be anywhere else, yes we ended up going 2-4 against sides who finished below us on the ladder (admittedly only because winning yesterday added the two St Kilda defeats to that tally so really it's a figure as fraudulent as that 'relevance' article) and yes there is absolutely no guarantee that we won't be back to padding around in the shallow end of the bottom four again next year but there has clearly been progress. It's not progress that is going to vault us into the eight but at least we can approach 2016 without hiding behind the couch.

Way back in the autumnal glory of Round 1 we started ticking off our top 10 greatest losing streaks and managed to knock off four more (Docklands, Kardinia Park, Collingwood and Geelong), should have added St Kilda to the list and didn't get a chance to play at the SCG. Still, there some key horrors remain to be conquered next year:
  • Carrara (9264 days since last win, though to be fair it was shut down for 15 years during this period)
  • 100 point win (4146 - and in that time we've been on the end of eight)
  • Subiaco (4111 - and get on with it, the wrecking balls are moving into place)
  • Player kicks 7+ goals in a game (3678)
  • SCG (3424 - though to be fair we have only played there twice since)
  • Hawthorn (3399)
  • North Melbourne (3306 - including never since they changed their name back to North Melbourne)
  • St Kilda (3287)
Would also like to win two in a row and see somebody kick a decent bag of goals for the first time since David Neitz.

Seven wins can never be considered an overall victory, but in the season preview I quite clearly and very specifically said "six wins and 76.6%" was my personal pass mark so it's hard to whinge about seven and 77% even if we did hit the wall later in the year.

And we did have some good times, remember the glee of the Gold Coast game thinking that we'd found the Magnificent Seven recruits (was down to the magnificent two by season end), Vince tormenting Dangerfield, Hogan tearing future All-Australian defender Alex Rance to ribbons in front of the Friday night lights, running away from the Bulldogs in the last quarter, Kardinia Park, the bye, sludging to a win against Brisbane and rumbling the Pies.

So after a rough month where depression was running at such a level that people (including me) had gone into the ridiculous "shut the club down so I can do something else" foetal position as if there's anything else worth doing, hopefully this victory no matter how inconsequential gives you some breathing space to temporarily enjoy the concept of Australian rules football.

More importantly the club has survived another season, and no matter how large the novelty cheque they have to write to Docklands management this weekend we seemingly remain on a firm enough financial footing to keep us ticking through until the next decade. Every day above ground is a good day.

Final Thoughts
So, here endeth the year where we dragged ourselves a couple of rungs up the ladder from laughing stock to irrelevance. It's certainly a start, and one day you might miss the rush that came whenever digital hillbillies start doing 'humorous' gags about the club and siege mentality broke out but if that means we're consistently playing like a proper football team it will be a small price to pay. We're an easy target, there will still be opportunities to test out your best abuse on people scraping the bottom of society's barrel.

On to 2016, where with any luck we will flush the last nuggets of the #fistedforever down the s-bend of history. It helps when we sell two home games interstate but I managed to get the set again this year, only missing the away match against Hawthorn where we were tonked, and I'm pretty sure everyone I know who is likely to get married or die has already done it but I can't see myself having another relatively trouble-free run next year so stay vigilant in case you're called upon to guest report.

Thanks for your support this week, this year and for the last 11 seasons. Whether you have absurd amounts of time on your hands to be able to read every week or just dip in occasionally it's much appreciated. That's it for 2015 - a season that promised nothing and delivered slightly more. It's taken 136,000 words to try and explain it all when "it was just ok" would probably have done, but as ever we did it all for the glory of love.