Saturday, 30 July 2005

Good News

We can lose the next three and still make the eight.

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Even if we get done today and beaten senseless in Adelaide and Geelong we can win the next two and still fall into the 8 on percentage, and earn the right to see another first round failure - this time against the hated Saints.

Thanks Toyota AFL Ladder Predictor!

Thursday, 28 July 2005

Hand me the knitting needle

St. Kilda @ the MCG, 2.10pm on Saturday. I'll be the one with his own portable bathtub, generator and toaster ready to drop it in the moment the result becomes apparent. So expect a power surge in the East Melbourne area at about 2.25pm.

Changes? God, do we have to?

IN: Ward, Miller, Wheatley
OUT: Rivers (fractured hand), Brown (virus), Sylvia

Not entirely sure why they'd drop Sylvia, but I'm applauding the fake-as-anything 'virus' that has ended with Nathan Brown getting the arse after a month of slop football. Ins? Well draw your own conclusions - who else are they going to add? Heffernan? Williams? Jeff Hilton? I don't know.

Why even show up? Now would be the perfect time to fulfil the fantasies of every sexually frustrated 14-year-old Big Footy poster and actually go to the snow en masse. Where is the snow? I have no idea. Somebody must have a map.

The Demonblog prediction: St. Kilda by 48. Mass suicides aplenty.

Sunday, 24 July 2005

You've got to laugh...

Because otherwise you'd jump off the West Gate..

And thus we turned on Fox Footy and we saw our entire season condensed into four short quarters. We showed up, we were competitive, we were momentarily superior to the opposition, we became lazy, we fucked up, we ended up folding like a house of cards. To be entirely honest I just can't be bothered going into any great length about it, given the conditions (pissing rain early, overcast greasiness throughout) it was impossible to expect that anyone was going to go wild and have the game of the century but the parade of mediocrity that we were treated to was almost too painful to watch.

You could tell the way it was going right from the start. Nobody could hold a ball, kicks were flying everywhere and marks were being dropped left, right and centre. We kicked the first two goals but you could tell it wasn't going to last , and it was only thanks to Adem Yze ripping out an after the siren goal from the boundary line (kicked in front of an old man in the crowd who appeared to be dead..). By halftime, another rotten standard quarter, we'd extended the lead to three but every man and his/her dog knew it wasn't going to last. It wasn't until we took a two goal lead in the third that things started to look as if we may just get away with it. Sadly we then decided to start copping gimmick goals, most of them coming from holding the ball decisions or loose ball gets after some clown attempted to take on the entire city of Perth and got tackled with it. I was moderately depressed at this turn of events, but not as badly as I was when we came out of the 3/4 time break 6pts down and withing five minutes were five goals behind with our entire season in tatters. Then, to completely take the piss, Jared Rivers and Nathan Carroll (who had an excellent game by his standards, and could POTENTIALLY be good for us in the future) ran into each other, and both went down like they'd been blown up. The death toll ended up as one, with Rivers breaking his arm/hand. Well that was the final nail in the coffin. Season OVER. I'd rather be a Carlton fan, at least they've got draft picks to look forward to.

Not entirely sure how to give votes given that we were extremely average. Nobody really stood out.

5 - Brad Green (I suppose.. didn't look like he did much with his 29 touches)
4 - Phil Read (Angry.. angry young man. At least showed fight when everybody else was lost)
3 - Aaron Davey
2 - Travis Johnstone
1 - Ryan Ferguson (Just for the goals..)

Apologies to Ben Holland (!?), Nathan Carroll (!!!!!!??!?!!) and Chris Johnson who didn't disgrace themselves amongst the slop.

Demonblog.com Player of the Year Leaderboard. Five more weeks of this shit until we have a winner!

28 - Travis Johnstone
23 - Brad Green
17 - Cameron Bruce
16 - Russell Robertson
13 - Brent Moloney, Adem Yze
10 - Colin Sylvia
9 - Brock McLean, Aaron Davey
7 - Ryan Ferguson
6 - Clint Bizzell
5 - Jared Rivers, David Neitz
4 - Alistair Nicholson, Daniel Ward, Phil Read
3 - James McDonald, Brad Miller, Nathan Brown, Russell Robertson, Jeff White
2 - Paul Wheatley, Matthew Whelan

Next week: St. Kilda @ the MCG on Saturday. This is IT. If we don't pull something out then this season is 100% gone. Due to the importance of this game I have decided to ditch work and be there in person. A minute's silence please when we lose.

I'm trying to look towards the positives of sport. Wests Tigers are in the 8, South Melbourne are winning, AFC Wimbledon haven't lost a pre-season friendly yet - but yet it all still seems so hollow.

Friday, 22 July 2005

Regrets? I've had a few

Writing a preview of the Melbourne/Fremantle match (2.40pm, Sunday @ Subiaco. Probably 4.40pm Eastern Time - check your guide for details) is like pre-writing the obituary to our season. I know we're going to lose. I'm not the most positive person at the best of times but my confidence in our side and season has hit rock-bottom. My friend the world's most positive football supporter has assured me that we're still a chance - but he also told me Luke Williams "didn't play badly" last week so I'm not listening to him any further.

And what better team to screw us over than the Dockers? After all we may as well be sister clubs given the amount of players we've swapped over the years. Phil Gilbert anyone? Well I remember him - I was shattered when we gave him the arse. Not to mention Norrish, White, Chisholm, Farmer and god knows who else. Add Steven Armstrong to that list at the end of the year when he realises he's the new Chris Lamb and is never going to get a game again. And who could forget such great moments as us screwing them over for our 4th win of the '97 season in Round 22 - and Tony Modra kicking ten at the MCG in '99. Even our last trip to Perth was memorable with Peter Vardy running riot in pissing down rain to score a win last year shortly before our season died in the arse.

Luckily this season it died about three weeks ago, so we can go into this game with almost no pressure whatsoever. Sure we're still in the 8 and are every possible chance of making it if we win three more games - but is that going to happen? Of course it fucking isn't. In fact I'm so sure we'll lose I'm almost prepared to make one of those rotten "If we win I'll..." statements that people never go through with.

Provisional Changes
IN: Paul Johnson (promising), Guy Rigoni (What's wrong with Armstrong you bastards?), Brock McLean (thank christ for that, Chris Johnson (WAVE OF THE FUTURE)
OUT: Luke Williams (Get out. Don't come back. Enjoy playing in the Geelong league)

I/C (from): Ward, Bizzell, Green, P.Johnson, Rigoni, C.Johnson, Read

You'd assume Bizzell and Green are going to survive - though the match committee might decide to be unpredictable for the first time ever and just butcher a big name to make a point - and I'd hope Rigoni isn't going anywhere near the state of Western Australia. Brock is an absolute certainty. So that leaves us with two of Ward/Read and the two Johnsons to pick from. Personally I'd like to see all four of them in the side with Nathan Brown and James McDonald sitting on their asses in Melbourne - but that's probably too revolutionary a change for them to consider. I'll go out on a limb and say that the final denouement will be,

In: McLean, P. Johnson
Out: Williams (shit), Green (sacrificed to make a point, and because the coaching staff have no testicles)

C. Johnson to be robbed despite being best on ground for Sandy last week. We shall see how right I am on Saturday morning. If Phil Read gets done over I'm going to protest outside the club and ambush Daniher at the airport.

Now as we all know Matthew Pavlich kicked 9 goals last week. Sure that was against a Carlton side who would be hard pressed to beat the Diamond Valley Under 9 girls at the moment but it's a worrying trend given the number of forwards who have lined up to pump us hard so far this season. Farmer (thankfully out this week), Williams, Tredrea, Bradshaw and Hall have all destroyed us and if we're tremendously unlucky Pav will back up two weeks in a row, Darren Cuthbertson style, and wreck us. God, Paul Medhurst might even do something for the first time in god knows how long. One way or the other we're going to get touched up like a lady in the Tokyo subway.

And where are our goals coming from? Neitz, yes. Robertson, certainly. Other? Remember when our midfield was kicking goals like it was going out of season? Yes so do I, it was about five weeks ago. God - remember that? I think I even declared that I thought we might be a chance of winning the flag. At least now I know that it's never worth getting optimistic again.

The Every Day Is Like Sunday Verdict: Fremantle by 7pts at 1/4 time, 18 at 1/2 time, 40 @ 3/4 and 38 points at the final bell. My head to explode at the 13 minute mark of the 3rd quarter.

UPDATE - Bizzell and Ward OUT for Johnson/Johnson (the players, not the talcum powder). Given that DW was one of the few players to actually look interested last week I'm not pleased with this. Not to mention the fact that Nathan Brown should have got the bullet before Bizzell. Goodbyyyyyyyyyye season.

Wednesday, 20 July 2005

Off the Gear

While this may be farcical if you look at it in the bigger picture, it may pay off for the MFC.

An AFL player who tests positive to marijuana will face bans of up to a year for a first offence from November after the AFL was forced to abandon its own drug code yesterday.

In an embarrassing backdown, the AFL succumbed to intense pressure from the Federal Government and agreed to comply with the hardline stance laid out by the World Anti-Doping Agency, which demands the public naming of all offenders and harsh penalties in the case of recreational drug use.

The AFL policy emphasises counselling and confidentiality for initial positive tests for illicit drugs, such as cannabis.

Under the threat of losing federal funding for all levels of the game if it did not comply with the WADA code, and conscious of the negative perception that was growing around its stance, AFL chief executive Andrew Demetriou yesterday informed federal Sports Minister Rod Kemp of the league's intention to comply with the WADA code by November 1.


Certain people. YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE. Will have to put away the bong and concentrate on football instead. If our performances in the last month are anything to go by they need to change dealers anyway...

Sunday, 17 July 2005

I can't stand up for falling down

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Well. That was a wonderful year while it lasted. Can't wait for the 2006 AFL season. Wonder what I'm going to do during summer. I'm well aware that there's six rounds and finals to go this year but what's the point? We're finished. What we all feared has come true - we are not sitting in some sort of mid-season slump but rather a full scale "brace for impact" plummet towards the ground with all the engines blown out and both pilots slumped over the controls with fatal heart attacks.

Not only did I know we'd lose, but I almost picked the result as well - only missing it by a point. Why even bother showing up? I almost think that if I'd gotten a better offer I may have taken it tonight, such was the crushing inevitability of what was going to happen and the negative entertainment prospects of watching Luke Williams and Nathan Carroll on the same field. Alas the call never came. I usually get to games 30-45 minutes before the first bounce but tonight I didn't even bother. Walked in the door on the siren, saw us cop two goals in the first few minutes before I'd even looked for a seat and considered walking straight back out the door again. Sadly the thrills and spills of modern day football (especially on the ropey Dome surface) managed to override the "quality and good taste" part of my brain and I stayed. Shame. Somehow we managed to get within a goal in the second quarter. To be entirely honest I don't even know what happened in front of me, I was too busy sitting there with two friends discussing ways to make the evening more entertaining. We discussed sitting there holding up a giant banner that said ROFL or LOL, and as things started to go wrong the idea of all the fans bringing toasters and knives and symbolically sticking them in as we lost came up instead.

One thing I did notice was Ryan Ferguson line up on Barry Hall. Now this seemed rather odd to me. Clearly the only reason that Nathan Carroll was put anywhere near our Best 22 players was that he did the job on Barry a couple of years back - so then they pick him and sit him on the bench as the man who did the flying kneedrop on Steven Febey's head during the '98 finals ripped us to shreds. He even kicked a goal over his head for gods sake. Come halftime we'd actually shaved a point off the 1/4 time margin and were very much in it - despite complete ineptitude at almost everything we did. The only person who seemed to know what they were doing was the captain who had four goals. Sadly at the other end our Barry was doing similar, and exerting a lot less energy in the process.

Ben Holland mania erupted again. He kicked our first goal and I said "the thing about him is that he'll start the game like a house on fire, then do something stupid and go missing for the rest of it". Witness the Carlton game for instance. Tonight he topped himself (not literally thankfully/unfortunately) when he took a shot from 25m out on a slight angle and MISSED THE FUCKING LOT. Even I would have snuck that kick in for a point and I was probably the worst forward ever to play the game. He then proceeded to disappear for the remaining 2.5 quarters, emerging every once in a while to jump around a bit and try to look useful). I'm not even sure who was playing at CHF for most of the game. Did we even have one? Russell Robertson looked like he was having a crack at one point, possibly in an attempt to recapture his 2003 B&F form. Sadly this theory is soured by the fact that he's having a far better year this season than he did then and he managed to do absolutely nothing for the entire game. Never again. Somehow he got 10 touches and I'm as shocked as anyone. Brad Green also failed to score from a set shot - which should have told us the way things were going to go - and did even less than Robbo. Cameron Bruce had about four touches to three-quarter time. You wouldn't have known he was playing. Does this represent excellence on Sydney's part or complete mediocrity on ours? A little from column A, a little from column B. Also deserving of negative reports were Nathan Brown (10 kicks, 10 of them rubbish) and Adem Yze who looked completely disinterested.

The third quarter was farce central. I look up and Luke Williams has suddenly ended up on the wing. The ball is bounced and five seconds later he's ten metres behind his man. Jared Rivers has been dragged from Michael O'Loughlin and is replaced by... Nathan Carroll. Predictably this move proves completely shambolic within about 2 minutes as he's beaten on the lead by a mile, then sort of wanders off and lets O'Laughlin turn around and drop a pinpoint pass to a man on the lead in the centre. Who was it? God knows - and I can't even remember if he kicked it because I was too busy going completely and utterly apoplectic at everyone and everything in the back row of the stadium. The pressure of a long season had started to get to me. When Phil Read pulled off a ripper tackle to win a free kick and then, as I looked away, did something that ended in it getting reversed I'll tell you I almost cried. By the time we hit 3/4 time we were 30 points down and the entire season was goooooooooooooooooooooooooorn. You fill in the gaps regarding what happened for the rest of the quarter because I'll be entirely honest in saying I watched most of it with my head in my hands. It said everything about our night when Carroll finally did something good with a spoil, only to find the ball falling to Williams who proceeded to cock it up and gift Sydney a goal. More wild scenes.

I can't even remember when it happened but there was one of the most outrageous pieces of play ever during one of these quarters. David Neitz did everything to beat half the Swans list and get the boot to ball where it landed in the arms of Aaron Davey twenty metres out directly in front. He then proceeded to turn around and play on to find himself completely surrounded by Sydney players. Quoth Amul, who would be the proprietor of Magpieblog.com if he could bothered, "It was like The Matrix". How true. No wonder he's lost faith in football having seen the Collingwood and Melbourne games in consecutive nights. His suggestion that we're so bad we may as well merge wasn't a bad one, except for the fact that they still wouldn't be able to field a completely capable 18 players at any given time.

Somehow we got to 13pts behind by the ten minute mark of the last. Travis Johnstone kicked a pair of nice goals to disguise the fact that he did nothing else all day and we were a chance of pulling off one of the most undeserved victories in the history of the sport. Then, as expected, we didn't. A nine minute stalemate was ended with two Sydney goals in a row and we were officially finished. The only significant thing to happen after this was a fight down the front of our section. I'm not sure of the official card and matchups but it appeared as if Melbourne man had taken exception to Sydney woman and was yelling and pointing at her as Sydney woman's husband tried to get in the way. Melbourne man #2 then took his jacket off and waded in and all hell broke loose for about 10 seconds until people were pulled away from each other and sanity sadly prevailed. I'm sure I saw somebody use Sydney Woman as a human shield in the middle of the fracas - which despite being politically incorrect was mildly hillarious because she was screeching like a banshee in the moments leading to the melee. Telstra Dome security were as effective as ever in their performance during the incident where they were absolutely nowhere to be found. The closest thing to anyone rushing to their aid was some completely pissed cunt standing up from about 20 rows away and waving a bourbon and coke around and yelling at Melbourne Man to "GET OUT GO HOME YOU LOST". I tried to prolong the chaos, and take my mind off the football, by yelling out something about him going over there and joining in the brawl if he felt that strongly about it rather than standing 20m away yelling about it but sadly I wasn't heard and the siren ruined any chance of further riotous behaviour. Security and Police bothered to show up about 10 minutes after the brawl had finished and everyone had gone home. Gutted to not have a camera on me - the first blogworthy picture moment of the season and I missed it. I was going to send it to the press and demand that they bury AFL football in the media for having violent dickheads following it like they always do to soccer.

Pissed Bourbon Man was last seen standing in the same spot explaining the incident to two or three bystanders. Sort of a real life version of what I'm doing now, but with additional waving of the drink in his hand and staggering to stay upright. He would probably have gone and provided a statement to the cops as well if he didn't face the real prospect of being thrown in a divvy van for being off his face. I hate football fans.

Votes? Must we? Yes I suppose we should.

Demonblog.com Player of the Year

5 - David Neitz
4 - Colin Sylvia
3 - Daniel Ward
2 - Brent Moloney
1 - Matthew Whelan

LEADERBOARD (+ retrospective Port votes that I was too shattered to give)

26 - Travis Johnstone
18 - Brad Green
17 - Cameron Bruce
16 - Russell Robertson
13 - Brent Moloney, Adem Yze
10 - Colin Sylvia
9 - Brock McLean
6 - Ryan Ferguson, Clint Bizzell, Aaron Davey
5 - Jared Rivers, David Neitz
4 - Alistair Nicholson, Daniel Ward
3 - James McDonald, Brad Miller, Nathan Brown, Russell Robertson, Jeff White
2 - Paul Wheatley, Matthew Whelan

So, what of our run home? If you don't believe in indecent and offensive language LOOK AWAY NOW.

Round 17 - Fremantle (Subiaco) LOSS (5 in a row)
Round 18 - St. Kilda (MCG) LOSS (6 in a row.. Out of the eight)
Round 19 - Adelaide (Football Park) LOSS (7 in a row.. Supporters lose the plot)
Round 20 - Geelong (Kardinia Park) LOSS (8 in a row.. Supporters commit suicide)
Round 21 - Footscray (MCG) POTENTIAL WIN (Drought busting! Nobody's there because we've already all topped ourselves)
Round 22 - Essendon (MCG) WHO CARES? (By this point any of us left alive will be too far gone on a cocktail of anti-depressants and hard drugs to care)
Finals - Surely you jest? Thank god for Carlton and Collingwood or we wouldn't make the top 14 they way this year is going.

Next week? Freo. Unfortunately I won't be at work so I'll have a full report. Potential live bloggage of the game so you can see my unedited descent into madness as we get torn to shreds.

Saturday, 16 July 2005

Love Story

In a manly, boofy, bloky, heterosexual, groping the arse after a great goal way I heart Phil Read. It's true. I'm getting a #28 on my jumper next year - which should ensure he never plays again.

MELBOURNE utility Phil Read has banished career-ending thoughts from his mind, confident he has finally beaten a prolonged bout of hamstring injuries.

The 26-year-old has fought the debilitating problem in both legs for most of this season as he sought every solution from surgery to alternative medicine in a bid to play.

Even training became a psychological and physical test for Read, who has bowed to the injury four times already this season.

"There was a stage there even at training where I was a bit worried about running out and tearing a hamstring," Read said.

"It got to the stage where I'd run out and just get little cramps and a hamstring would go and I'd go in and get it assessed and it would be, 'You're out for three to four weeks'.

"I was under no illusions, coming off a fourth hamstring, that this was career-threatening."

He played against Port Adelaide in his first game back last week following yet another injury break.

"It's just a really good feeling to get through a game," said the former West Coast player.

"It wasn't the result we were looking for but just to actually play with the boys and get back out on the field after 10 or 12 weeks not being able to train and stuff, it was a good feeling."

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Rather than preparing for the football afterlife, he now feels his future has opened up again.

"I've put a lot of work in. Not many people realise that when you're injured you actually train twice as hard as anyone else," Read said.

"I was going away from the club and doing extra work as well so I've got total faith in my body at the moment."

Read has torn both left and right hamstrings and after toying with various treatments including Pilates and Yoga it is now thought the problem related to surgery he had on both knees where grafts from his hamstrings were used.

Despite his own self-doubts, Read said Melbourne had continued to back him and continued its efforts to resolve the problem.

"At no stage did I feel like I didn't have the backing of the coaching staff," Read said.

"They kept telling me, it's a long season, you've got 10 weeks to go, you can get yourself right.

"The faith they've shown me, I'm just really eager to repay them."


A (very) short history of my jumper numbers

#54, Brent Heaver (what a sensational debut for both of us)
#31, Rod Keogh (!?)
#13, Allen Jakovich (I just switched the numbers around)
#1, Jamie Shanahan (Nothing from 1994-1998)
And nothing from 2000 onwards.
2006, #28.

Friday, 15 July 2005

No appropriate headline available

Remember '98 and '00? We got slaughtered in consecutive weeks and bounced back to make a Prelim Final and get flogged in a Grand Final retrospectively. Alas, despite all the available evidence regarding the up/down season trend, these sorts of things mean absolutely nothing. At all. The fact that we've had a good season followed by a shit one for the last seven years is nothing more than coincidence - there's no voodoo curse attached to it. We are not forever doomed to wade in mediocrity because somebody shagged a witch in the MCG change rooms in 1976.

Sadly this isn't a full scale essay about the world of the occult and it's connection to VFL/AFL football. It's a preview of Saturday night's game against Sydney at Telstra Dome. There's a very good reason that I'm stalling instead of talking about this game. I'm scared to death of what it means in the context of the season.

Nothing I typed in for a post title seemed appropriate. I know we can beat Sydney, and we've already done it once this year, but I also know that they're winning all over the place and we've been bent over and violated by Brisbane and Port in the last fortnight. Does that really mean anything? After all they are last year's Grand Finallists and have hit form in the last few weeks. I feel that we will find out the answer to that question at approximately 10pm on Saturday night on Harbour Esplanade, Docklands, Victoria, 3008.

That's about as far as the good news goes. Take a look at these changes,

Out: Miller (*sob*), Nicholson (meh..), Heffernan (no great loss), Jamar (likewise)
In: Holland (predictable), Ferguson (getting better), Williams (WTF!), Carroll (WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?)

Now, we all know why Nathan Carroll is there - his claim to fame is having wrecked Barry Hall in the last round of 2003, and presumably with Nicholson/Miller out and Ferguson/Rivers required elsewhere they've decided to bring him back for a crack at repeating history. The only downside to this plan is that he's never done anything else EVER and was last seen being destroyed at Football Park last season. Bold visionary gamble or desperate last roll of the dice guaranteed to backfire in spectacular fashion? We shall see.

Williams on the other hand almost brought tears to my eyes when I saw it. I always feel terrible about hammering listed AFL players because clearly they're finer athletes than I'll ever be, earn thousands of dollars a year more than me and score hot women for no good reason BUT I just can't cope with another game featuring Williams. I'm sure he's a lovely guy and all that shit but let's be entirely frank, he's rubbish. He is to the world of football what this page is to the world of blogging - superior to most of the garden variety bogans going around but so far off world class that it's not funny.

You'll note that by playing on Saturday he'll have played one more game this year, by round 16, than he did in all of last season. Does this mean he's getting better? Does it f**k. It means we're struggling royally. Prove me wrong and have 35 touches. Go on.

Speaking of Luke, you might remember him from the last time we played the Swans at Telstra Dome. Actually you might not, because that was the worst game of football I've seen in my life and any sane person would have wiped the memories of that night out of their mind minutes after the final siren. In fact I looked back on my notes from that game and the match was so violently dull that the fact my tram on the way home had coathangers on the floor was worthy of a mention. All I remember is the Swans playing the most unattractive brand of football ever, and won. So good for them - if we played 17 men in the backline and won 1.8.14 to 1.1.7 every week I'd support it - but hardly likely to feature on anyone's "Name a Game" most wanted list anytime soon.

I'm not even taking the balaclava. I'm just going to sit there for four quarters and silently weep at the fact that, as a seven year old child, I chose to support a club who were destined never to win anything more important than a pub raffle ever again.

The Demonblog verdict: The Craig Nettlebeck cup is going back to Swansblog.com. Sydney by 25 and our season out the window. Roll on '06 and/or death. I'd like to say I hate football, but I realise that now the NSL is dead there's no decent sport to watch during summer so it's a necessary evil.

Monday, 11 July 2005

Flight 666

During the Brisbane fiasco of a fortnight ago (as opposed to the Port fiasco of last week or the Sydney one this week) I announced that I'd be making NO interstate trips next year. Suddenly it turns out we're playing in Launceston and the road trip is ON.

I just can't help myself. At least Tasmania, as opposed to Sydney and Brisbane, understands football and I won't end up next to a semi-retarded family of Rugby Union fans attempting to be trendy and in with the next big thing by following AFL.

This, of course, ensures by my attendance that Melbourne will lose no matter who we play.

P.S - Anyone got anything to say about to Port game? I'm far too legitmately ill to think about it and make myself worse.

UPDATE (or P.P.S if you will)

Demonblog reader Kara sends in this report,

THE PORT GAME

I made the 4 hours drive from the country to watch one of this years shittest games of footy. What a trip it was listening to a bit of head banging music, cruising along at 80 (yes im an L plater) rocking up to the F*$├«ng stadium and having to park about a million miles away!! After a 20 minute walk I stumbled across a place full of ferals, other wise known as AAMI STADIUM, I walked in only to be told by some moron that we were gonna loose and he was “out to get me�? well dickhead tell me something I didn’t know. Of course we would loose our record at AAMI is terrible.

I go and find my seat after some half normal port supporter offered to help me find it (strange I know). I sat to see that we were up by a goal…. Yes it had been the first goal of the game and I tell you what I was excited I thought maybe just maybe there was a glimmer of hope in this stadium of darkness. How how wrong I could be……. First quarter went just grand good to see some passionate demons supporters were prepared to fight for their colours. Personally I am scared of people will half their teeth and look like they haven’t showered in a month. So the first quarter highlight was a big yelling match between some beautiful demons boys and some butt ugly port bastard. Oh yeah….. Miller got a leg injury talking to him after the game he’s thinking about 4 weeks?!?! Fingers crossed we looked rather dead with no key CHF.

I was not at all surprised to see a few fights break out during the course of the game on and off the field. Byron Pickett was the centre of one what a dirty dirty man he is my goodness he makes me wild. Our very own Nathan Brown may be in a bit of strife after a tiff with Cassissi and a club doc haha and the packs in brawl is bound to get some attention from the tribunal Miller although injured is bound to get in some trouble as the tribunal is out to get him….. ohh yeah and the best fight of all two port supporters having a go at each other proceeding to throw a few punches and both get kicked out….. The port supporters are as bad as the actual players.

Rivers struggled all game on Tredrea if the guy kicked straight the score would have been much worse than it actually was… what other abuse to I have to throw….. OMG (oh my god!!) I feel it is about time that the demons learn to kick straight!!! How many times did we see the ball go out on the full, get kicked over the players head, not even make the mark or was it just that pathetic that the opposition were able to jump in front of it?!?! Our defence was very very exposed as was our midfield they were able to get the ball from the middle and run to the 50 and kick a goal it was like back in high school when the year 12’s would take on the year 7’s absolute annihilation…….

The last quarter although completely out of the game gave a very small glimmer of hope a few goals and the margin for a minute was brought back to around 50 huge I know but compared to about 80 its looking good…… only for bloody Tredrea to make a few leads kick a few POINTS and give port a bit of an edge.

The best part of the game I reckon was meeting an absolute legend of a Melbourne supporter at the after match function and having a bit of a chat and a 80 year old port support using the worst language in the stadium.

My day at AAMI one I will not forget for some time!!!!

Sorry bout spelling errors, bad language and not referring to the game to often but there wasn’t a great deal to report on an absolute shit game of football to talk about!!!!
Cheers Kara


Let that be a lesson to you. Avoid the place at all costs. Let's go en masse to Aurora Stadium, sit in the Every Day Is Like Sunday section and make completely blogworthy scenes.

2005 Allen Jakovich Medal Votes (given retrospectively)
5 - Moloney
4 - Robertson
3 - White
2 - Yze
1 - Davey

Saturday, 9 July 2005

For The Tip

God I hate football..

Thursday, 7 July 2005

No Future

For this week anyway.. Am I such a horrible person for thinking that we're going to get waffled by Port this week? Got help anyone travelling to Football Park to watch the game because not only do we stand the chance of getting wrecked on field but you'll also be dealing with 40000 toothless bogans sitting around you.

The changes are hardly inspiring. McLean is out with a groin injury and Ben Holland is out with a serious case of mediocrity. They're replaced by Daniel Ward (remember him?) and Philthy Phil Read. Presumably Heffernan only survived because of McLean's injury but I support the two inclusions.

It's become apparent that I'm the only person in the world who supported the Holland/backline scenario (and even I'm starting to think I was mad) so there's no other real need for him while Neitz is in the side. I'm sure he'll be back before long - but at least Heff is still there for we internet nerds to obsess about instead.

For those of you who are interested in that sort of thing, and let's be honest it never actually ends up like that, Rivers is listed at FB and Nicholson at CHB.

Look, I don't know. This is just the sort of game we could break out and win just to confuse everybody. But I doubt it. Port by 30 and our season in the rubbish bin. Sylvia MUST play 4 quarters. I'll miss the entire thing due to being at work - so if anybody can be bothered writing a report based off the TV commentary then go right ahead - you even get to give out the votes if that sort of thing turns you on.

Monday, 4 July 2005

Golly

Did you realise that we've beaten every side in the top 8 except West Coast? I didn't. Won't stand for much if we do nothing in the next 10 weeks.

Sunday, 3 July 2005

Rubbish exported

Must we? Really? I could sum it all up in a few brief sentences. The entire state of Queensland is for the tip, interstate football should be abolished and Melbourne's status as 2005 Premiership contenders has been downgraded to "You're kidding".

After three days in the Sunshine Coast (more like the Pissing down with rain and enough humidity to kill an elephant Coast) I'd lost the plot by the time I'd even entered the city of Brisbane. I then proceeded to drive around the place in circles at the whim of their thousands of one way streets. I ended up on the same random freeway twice before I even found the Gabba. Then I promptly lost it again. By the time I got there, still hours.. HOURS early I was off the planet. It was all a case of "let's lose already so I can go home".

The game kicks off and I'm lucky enough to be sitting next to one of those immensely annoying opposition fans who clearly has NO idea what he/she is watching and just cheers when everyone else does. The only problem being that this clown was there with six or seven Melbourne fans who not only indulged him but did their own version of it. Terrible.

So the game starts and within a few minutes we're three goals down and Daniel Bradshaw is running riot. By quarter time he'd run the suddenly unfashionable A. Nicholson around like an adult playing footy with a kid and helped himself to five goals. That's the last thing I needed - to see a record go down and watch some idiot kick 21. The only thing I can think at this point (other than "this state should be closed down") is "It's probably better to get flogged than to lose a close one" Then the 2nd starts, Nicholson sits on the bench, Miller goes back onto Bradshaw instead and things begin to pick up. Suddenly by the 20 minute mark we're in front. In the words of internet kiddies everywhere... WTF! Totally undeserved, and five minutes later we're three goals down again. Nice while it lasted I suppose, and we were hardly dead come the long break.

Now.. Could they have tried Holland on Brown and Rivers on Bradshaw? I've never pretended to be a cultural observer of the game - so feel free to point out if my grand scheme is bollocks - but it would have been worth a try. We did make a significant comeback when Miller took Bradshaw but it wasn't to much avail as we kept getting slaughtered in that last kick before 50.

The "Premiership Quarter" (as complete wankers are want to say) really finished us off. Eight goals to two and Captain Clown next to me was starting to fire up. Probably something to do with the colossal intake of alcohol that he'd racked up throughout the evening. In fact I was seated in knobhead central. It was full of idiot locals just yelling out stupid things and laughing heartily. I think I'd rather go to Adelaide and get my head kicked in out the back of the carpark than have to put up with another year of completely ignorant Sydney or Brisbane fans sitting around me.

We went to the last change 38 points down. I attempted to console myself with the fact that I'd seen us throw away a bigger 3/4 time lead (once in 15 years) and that we were at least some chance. Then we copped seven goals to two and were pounded into the ground unmercifully. Just get off. I've totally forgotten what else happened - the only other thing I remember was finally biting on one of the "witty" comments from bandwagon idiot next to me. As the two Melbourne fans in front of me fled, lest they see signs of unbridled passion from the pissed crunts around them, he let rip with a bit of the old "Hrrr hrrr hrr GO HOME.. Hrr hrr hrr. Mexicans!" and I just lost the plot with a big "YEAHTHEQUICKERWEGETOUTOFTHISSHITHOUSESTATETHEBETTER" and just turned away so if I was to get any response it would be a right hook to the head. Disappointed to go unbeaten. Badge of honor and all that shit.

They won and surprise, surprise the words to the song STILL come up on the scoreboard. Three flags and four grand finals in a row and they still don't know the words. What an embarassment. May as well have slammed the Brisbane Bears ("DARE TO BEAT THE BEAR") song on instead and see if anyone could tell the difference.

PLAYER OF THE YEAR

5 - Colin Sylvia (We instantly looked better when he came on.
4 - Travis Johnstone (In his weekly appearance...)
3 - Brad Green (Pff.. I don't know. He kicks straight)
2 - Russell Robertson (Still playing his best season yet)
1 - Brent Moloney (Fell in by default because he went at it all night)

LEADERBOARD

26 - Travis Johnstone
18 - Brad Green
17 - Cameron Bruce
12 - Russell Robertson
11 - Adem Yze
9 - Brock McLean
6 - Ryan Ferguson, Clint Bizzell, Colin Sylvia, Brent Moloney
5 - Jared Rivers, Aaron Davey
4 - Alistair Nicholson
3 - James McDonald, Brad Miller, Nathan Brown, Russell Robertson
2 - Paul Wheatley
1 - Matthew Whelan

Negatives to Nathan Brown (worst game in years), Al Nicholson (erase all memories of the night from your mind) and Queensland as a whole. Biggest minus points ever to me - for the second time this season - for completely forgetting to find anywhere to stay and ending up sleeping for an hour in a car outside the airport. Farcical.

Friday, 1 July 2005

Farcical Preview Corner

Greetings from sunny Noosa. Well, sunnier than it has been for the last two days. I've never seen so much rain in my life, and it'll be just my luck it'll start again tomorrow night at about 7pm.

No preview, I'm far too hungover and dying from humidity to do such a thing. In = Neitz, Jamar, OUT = Ferguson, Johnson. Will we win? Probably not. I tipped us anyway.

Back to lying down... See you on Sunday night/Monday morning for full report and commentary.