Good evening ladies and gentlemen, my name is Supermercado and as we come to the end of another year together it means that it's time to tie another #farceshambles together and look back at where it all went horribly wrong yet again.
We also gather to speculate whether there's any chance that we'll see a premiership before the seas rise far enough for the 2040 AFL Home and Away season to be played atop Mount Kilamanjaro.
To present our first award of the evening please welcome the retrospective winner of the 1976 Pelaco VFL Best Dressed Coach award, the one and only Mr. Bob Skilton.
2012 Jim Stynes Medal for Ruckman of the Year
In a way this marks the most difficult award to present because in such a small field a handful of decent performances in otherwise terrible games can leap a man up the leaderboard in a way that may cause some to spit their drink and/or throw their monitor/phone/generic tablet device from an upstairs window.
This year we honour a man who did just that, playing only seven games but providing so much more than light comic relief in ther ruck. A man who if rumours are to be believed will be off to find fame and fortune elsewhere before long. Fresh from finishing 30th in the Best and Fairest, the coaching staff may not like him but we do, for the second year in a row I give you the thinking man's Nic Naitanui - THE Stefan Martin Experience.
16 - Stefan Martin
3 - Mark Jamar
0 - Jake Spencer
DQ - Jack Fitzpatrick
DNP - Max Gawn
After starting as second favourite, Stef becomes the third man to win the award twice. Will he be around to go for three in a row in 2013? Can Jamar play another full season and get the job done, or will we all come around to accepting the power and mystery of The Spencil?
Your previous winners in full:
2005 - Jeff White
2006 - Jeff White (2)
2007 - Jeff White (3)
2008 - Paul Johnson
2009 - Mark Jamar ($3)
2010 - Mark Jamar (2) ($1.50 fav)
2011 - Stefan Martin ($30)
2012 - Stefan Martin (2) ($9)
For the next award of the evening we're pleased to welcome back one of the very popular former winners of the award. Please give a big hand for [REVOKED]
2012 Jeff Hilton Rising Star Award
"Wowee, it's good to be here. This is the best reception I've had from Melbourne fans yet.
You know, being judged the best young player by your coaches, peers or some fat bastard off the internet is a real honour. What made it even more special for me was knowing that I was already on a promise to the pay day of a life time at another club. So, as I present this award I encourage all the nominees to take the easy way out and run off for a huge pay day instead of accepting the responsibility of helping drag a proud club back to its feet."
Your winner, the first man to triumph courtesy of the "debut in the last month of previous season" rule, mixed key defensive jobs with spectacular clangers and we loved him for it. James Magner made the early running, he stormed back to level the scores and finally broke the deadlock with a decent showing in an indecent team against Fremantle.
Nobody else bothered to show up, so a big hand please for the only player ever to follow @demonblog on Twitter it's the man who has already made Melbourne fans forget the Tom McNamara era, it's Mr. Tom McDonald.
15 - Tom McDonald
13 - James Magner
0 - Tom Couch, Jack Fitzpatrick, Josh Tynan
DNP - Lucas Cook, Troy Davis, Kelvin Lawrence, Rory Taggert, Jai Sheahan and Leigh Williams.
2005 - No players eligible.
2006 - Matthew Bate
2007 - Michael Newton
2008 - Cale Morton
2009 - Jack Grimes ($4 fav)
2010 - [REVOKED] ($5)
2011 - Jeremy Howe ($30)
2012 - Tom McDonald ($8)
NB: The award was the Jeff Hilton Rookie of the Year from 2005-2011.
Thanks to [REVOKED] for taking time out of his busy schedule throwing hundred dollar bills in the air and trying to find somebody who has any respect for him to return to the club and present the award which made him such a rich, rich man. Buy us a house you crunt.
Now, let's cross to Mean Gene Okerlund in the Demonblog Control Centre for the first half of our look back at the year. Stay strong, there's only two parts to it. But they're both 11 games long so you might want to have a drink first.
That was the season that was - Part One
Pre-season preview - in which we thought it was being needlessly downcast and negative to predict a 13th placed finish.
NAB Cup Round 1 vs Brisbane and Gold Coast
Lukewarm three way action
In which we struggled to beat Gold Coast and everyone went "hold on, we might actually still be as shit as we were during 186"
NAB Cup match 2 vs Collingwood
Let's go fundamental
But that only lasted a week, because soon enough we were beating up on a Collingwood side featuring two Irishmen and an American and everyone thought it actually meant something. It didn't. The Herald Sun even went so far as to say Neeld "took the Demons' rebirth to a new level" before whoever wrote it went back later in the year and changed it to say STAFF WRITER when things went tits up.
NAB Cup match 3 vs Hawthorn
And here's where it started going tits up. Even the most deeply cynical of all of us got a little a bit excited after the Collingwood game, buying in to the media hype (thanks very much you Herald Sun BASTARDS) and thinking that just maybe we could give the finals a shake. Then David Hale kicked six, the half-strength Hawks made us look stupid and it became fairly clearly that we were still both flotsam and/or jetsam.
Practice match vs Port Adelaide
Nervous sweating and adjustment of the upper collar
If the Hawthorn match could have been written off as the natural product of a top four side tonking one that wasn't very good at all, our predicament became clear as we glued ourselves to the radio on a Friday night and listened to some toothless South Australian simpletons delivering the worst call in the history of football as we sunk without a trace and Colin Sylvia suffered a broken back. Still, it was only a practice match right?
Round 1 vs Brisbane
You've got to laugh (again)
Sure we got tonked by Hawthorn, and sure we lost to Port convincingly but we never beat good teams or win in Adelaide so surely it was all going to be ok wasn't it? Well it was alright for the first half before the steaming shit sandwich was delivered and the downward spiral of death began. Mitch Clark struggled, Neeld told the truth in the press conference and got slaughtered for it and we all died a little bit inside.
Round 2 vs West Coast
Weird and twisted nights
Any suggestion that the Round 1 debacle was a one-off was put to bed when the team went west and left their ability to play football in the east. Other than Mitch Clark who thankfully turned out to be quite good while all around him crumbled like a collapsing building. It was at this point that the public mood began to tilt towards mass panic.
Round 3 vs Richmond
A clear choice between vulgarity and obscenity
A chance for redemption against one of the handful of sides we could be relied upon to consistently win against during the dark era (except the last time we played them) and once again we stuck with them for a half before being blown into a million pieces of stringy skin and detonated limbs. Nine goals to one in the third quarter and you could officially shelve any sick fantasies you had about making the eight.
Round 4 vs Footscray
Rock Bottom Redux
Another chance at getting things back on track against a side almost as bad as us, and the only non-franchise in the competition with a forward line more in need of a dose of Viagra than us. Sadly as we paid tribute to Jim, Mitch Clark almost ended his career by falling on his head and we never put in any more than token resistance as our status as a potential bottom three team was confirmed.
Round 5 vs St Kilda
The tide hastens for no man
In which despite the loss of Clark and Frawley we pushed the still half-decent Saints right into the middle of the last quarter before they kicked away - assisted neatly by us failing to score for the entire term. Which was nice.
Round 6 vs Geelong
I'm a country member
Where, after I'd pussied out of going to a game in Victoria when free for the first time in nearly a decade, we didn't do at all badly considering that the spectre of 186 hung over us. Still lost though.
Round 7 vs Hawthorn
Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit sniffing glue
Buoyed by a half decent performance in Geelong, but still wary of a number of kickings we'd received from the Hawks in recent years we went into our one contractually obligated, ratings killing Friday night appearance of the year and put in the old token first quarter before running up the white flag and being thrashed to buggery. You were officially free to do as you please with Friday nights for the next four months.
Round 8 vs Sydney
Death by a thousand cuts
At this point any early season optimism had completely been replaced by serious mental illness and we started acting like this guy.
There might have been some positives - Watts and Blease playing wildcard cracking games - and the return of The Jurrahcane we were all still left screaming "WE CRAWL ON OUR KNEES TOWARDS OUR DOOM!" at the end of the match by the time we'd had our biggest loss ever in Round 8 and Jurrah had done his ankle never - as it turns out - to be seen again. "What's for breakfast mother, maggots on toast?"
Round 9 vs Carlton
Well it was better than the Sydney game at least. Were we ever going to win a match...
Round 10 vs Essendon
Reunited (and it feels so good)
...INDEED WE WERE! Off the back of our forward line being makeshift and Essendon's putting in one of the most remarkably inept performances in the history of football we somehow managed to pull off the greatest upset EVER based on ladder positions. Which doesn't mean much considering it wouldn't have been possible before last year. Garland kicked the winner, I almost went the vom. It was a great night out.
Round 11 vs Collingwood
Squashed by the reality bus
Where we came in on a high, with an even more makeshift forward line than the week before, and got spifflicated early in the piece before making it respectable late on then getting thrashed anyway. All of this while I sat there listening to some drunken slurry Pies fan yell out random shit all day before (allegedly) taking on all comers on Brunton Avenue afterwards.
We'll be back with part two of the season in review (it gets marginally better) soon, but for now - back from their tour of the Baltic states by popular demand it's the Demonblog Solid Brown Dancers.
And now, please welcome to the stage to present our next award one of the great defenders of our time. Mr Phil Gilbert.
2012 Marcus Seecamp Medal for Defender Of The Year
This award pays tribute to the men who, with some notable exceptions, have kept the wolves at bay during some of the darkest times in the history of this club. Men who have withstood barrages for years and come out with the battle scars and thousand yard stares to prove their dedication to the cause. Men who sadly don't wear twirly moustaches anymore. These are your defenders.
And this year the award goes for the first time to a man who walked the precipice between defence and midfield, threatening at times to find himself disqualified for spending too much time out of contention. Despite this the Seecamp Committee endorsed his nomination and as such we are very pleased for the very first time to honour this man for both his defensive efforts and remaining one year injury free. Please put your hands together for the co-captain of the Melbourne Football Club Mr. Jack Grimes.
29 - Jack Grimes
15 - Tom McDonald
11 - James Frawley
8 - Joel Macdonald
2 - Colin Garland
0 - Troy Davis, James Strauss
DQ - Jamie Bennell, Stefan Martin, Jared Rivers, James Sellar
The honour board:
2005 - Nathan Carroll and Ryan Ferguson (shared)
2006 - Jared Rivers
2007 - Paul Wheatley
2008 - Matthew Whelan
2009 - James Frawley ($22)
2010 - James Frawley (2) ($3.50)
2011 - James Frawley (3) ($4)
2012 - Jack Grimes ($7)
MFC Facebook Comment of the Year
First a compilation of introduction videos - look out for the never seen before 0-11 one at the end which, thankfully, was shelved before it was required.
5th place goes to a non-malicious post that nevertheless managed to deliver some grand slam player name spelling errors. Shame Pettard, Maloney and McClean weren't involved that week.
4th place goes to the last person in Australia who doesn't understand the concept of a delayed telecast
3rd place goes to somebody who confused the best atmosphere at a Melbourne game in years with apathy while simultaneously applauding the efforts of a bunch of cockheads in orange wigs
2nd place goes to the guy who thinks that we should trade Morton and/or Moloney from the reserves for Ablett or Judd.
But of course 1st place couldn't go to anybody else, as family loyalty trumps common sense yet somehow finds more than one person willing to put their name to liking it.
Bonus - Twitter comment of the year
Now, back to the Control Centre for the second part of our season in review. And here's your host, fresh from declaring that the dressage team had 'put some horseshoe on it' in London - it's #shootdwayne!
That was the season that was - part two
Round 12 vs Nobody
We all had a well earned break and plotted ways to abuse $cully
Round 13 vs Greater Western Sydney
Fear and Loathing in the Olympic Stand
Where we abused $cully and eventually ran away to a decent win despite a) being pox in the first quarter and b) being not much better than pox in the last. Also dear Mitch suffered a season ending injury. At least we didn't lose to the $2m Turd.
Round 14 vs Brisbane
Taking The Clunge
Where without Clark and with Rivers and Garland proving why they were makeshift forwards at best we had more inside 50's and still managed to lose by ten goals.
Round 15 vs Richmond
Trading while insolvent
The week where everybody, including the players, started to desperately look for the finish line.
Round 16 vs Fremantle
50 Shades of Brown
The traditional Empty Stadium Match at Docklands where nobody saw us take an early lead and then slowly suffocate (via a strange detour to being good again in the third quarter) before being whipped in the last quarter and playing Freo into form at the right time of the year.
Round 17 vs Port Adelaide
Begone vile creatures
Where the financially necessary but soul destroying trip to Darwin saw another solid first quarter performance quickly transform into mass pumpkinage. Match forgotten by absolutely everyone ten minutes later, including the Port Adelaide board who were frantically trying to sack the coach.
Round 18 vs North Melbourne
A match that only existed to get us through to what seemed like a guaranteed win the next week.
Round 19 vs Gold Coast
You take it where you can get it
And a guaranteed win it was thank god. After racking up the biggest first quarter lead in many a year dreams turned to a massive, morale boosting victory but four quarter efforts are far too much to ask for and we were then pretty much outplayed for the rest of the day.
Round 20 vs St Kilda
Where St Kilda first rampaged to a match winning third quarter, then gave up in the last and let us make it interesting. Also popular interplanetary visitor Sam Blease booted five, cementing his position as the next big post-Jurrah cult figure.
Round 21 vs Greater Western Sydney
Everything looks better in slow motion
Where we travelled to the nation's capital, nobody turned up and we were only marginally less terrible than they were.
Round 22 vs Adelaide
I've grown accustomed to your farce
Token efforts early became the usual slopfest as talk in the stands turned to the guy in the Crows cheersquad who was engaging security guards in conversation with a glove puppet.
Round 23 vs Fremantle
One day in September
Where we achieved a token September appearance and then struggled to kick five goals in a perfect send of for a year that nobody will want to remember in a hurry.
And now, it's that time of the night where we pay tribute to the one man who rose above the grim, no glory duty of playing for the Melbourne Football Club and
To present the award, please welcome the man himself. Back from the fishing trawler, the copper mine, the remote island prison or wherever else he's supposed to have been for the last year. Please rise to your feet for the one, the only Allen Jakovich.
2012 Allen Jakovich Medal
"Thanks for inviting me to this glorious occassion again. As the man who should have won this award with a flying finish in 1991 - if anybody had known what blogs were at the time - it always gives me a thrill to return from exile once a year and bestow the honour of receiving this important award on one player.
This year we present a repeat winner for the first time in the award's history. A man who dominated in his early years before sinking into the MFC quagmire to the point whether we all wondered if he was just a 'good ordinary' who would be eclipsed by a star studded list of newly drafted midfield sensations. Well either he wasn't or they were all just rubbish (or a bit of both) but this year nobody deserved this award more than the man who started as favourite led from the front all season, capturing the lead in this award a month into the year and never letting go.
Friends and sympathisers please remain upstanding for the winner of the 2012 Allen Jakovich Medal - with a record vote tally - Nathan Jones".
56 - Nathan Jones
29 - Jack Grimes
27 - Jeremy Howe
20 - Jack Watts
17 - Mitch Clark
16 - Stefan Martin, Colin Sylvia
15 - Tom McDonald, Jordie McKenzie
13 - James Magner, Daniel Nicholson
12 - Jared Rivers
11 - James Frawley
10 - Sam Blease
9 - Brent Moloney
8 - Matthew Bate, Joel Macdonald
6 - Lynden Dunn
5 - Clint Bartram, Brad Green
4 - Neville Jetta, Jack Trengove
3 - Mark Jamar, Luke Tapscott
2 - Rohan Bail, Colin Garland
1 - James Sellar
0 - Jamie Bennell, Lucas Cook, Tom Couch, Aaron Davey, Troy Davis, Michael Evans, Jack Fitzpatrick, Max Gawn, Jordan Gysberts, Liam Jurrah, Kelvin Lawrence, Ricky Petterd, Jai Sheahan, Jake Spencer, James Strauss, Rory Taggert, Josh Tynan, Leigh Williams
Your past champions in full (year-by-year votes):
2005 - Travis Johnstone
2006 - Brock McLean
2007 - Nathan Jones
2008 - Cameron Bruce
2009 - Aaron Davey ($8)
2010 - Brad Green ($4)
2011 - Brent Moloney ($9)
2012 - Nathan Jones  ($3.50)
Thanks Jako, we're almost done here. There's just the small matter of our last set of MFC Power Rankings for the Year. With the slate wiped clean for the start of 2012, the Best and Fairest giving us some indication of who fits where and some already having departed, where will your favourites rank?
Good night friends, thanks for your support over another tough season. Demonblog will be back in 2013 for more keyboard mashing and arguably defamatory comments about opposition players. Roll these over the credits.
Power Rankings - season finale
(1) 1. Nathan Jones
(4) 2. Jack Grimes
(17) 3. Mitch Clark
(2) 4. James Frawley
(5) 5. Tom McDonald
(7) 6. Jordie McKenzie
(6) 7. Colin Garland
(12) 8. Jack Trengove
(8) 9. Jared Rivers
(3) 10. Colin Sylvia
(9) 11. Jeremy Howe
(13) 12. Mark Jamar
(20) 13. Lynden Dunn
(10) 14. Jack Watts
(19) 15. Sam Blease
(21) 16. Rohan Bail
(14) 17. Daniel Nicholson
(24) 18. Clint Bartram
(15) 19. Joel Macdonald
(30) 20. James Sellar
(11) 21. Stefan Martin
(26) 22. James Strauss
(23) 23. Aaron Davey
(22) 24. James Magner
(28) 25. Luke Tapscott
(34) 26. Jake Spencer
(25) 27. Cale Morton
(39) 28. Max Gawn
(35) 29. Neville Jetta
(27) 30. Matthew Bate
(36) 31. Jack Fitzpatrick
(32) 32. Tom Couch
(31) 33. Ricky Petterd
(29) 34. Jordan Gysberts
(41) 35. Josh Tynan
(40) 36. Jamie Bennell
(44) 37. Jai Sheahan
(38) 38. Troy Davis
(37) 39. Lucas Cook
(43) 40. Leigh Williams
(42) 41. Michael Evans
(45) 42. Rory Taggert
(16) 43. Brad Green
(18) 44. Brent Moloney
(33) 45. Liam Jurrah
(46) 46. Kelvin Lawrence